Hypergamy: Love it or Leave it, But You Can't Escape it
Understanding the powerful force that drives women to seek out men of higher status, and how to leverage your own strengths to become a more desirable partner.
Hypergamy is the tendency of individuals to seek partners who are of higher status or social class than themselves. In the context of dating and relationships, hypergamy refers specifically to women seeking partners who are of higher status than themselves.
While some may view hypergamy as a negative trait in women, it is important to understand that it is a natural and evolutionary trait that has been ingrained in women's psyche for centuries. In this article, we will explore the concept of hypergamy, how it influences female dating preferences, and how men can navigate this phenomenon to increase their chances of success in the dating world.
The Basics of Hypergamy
Hypergamy has probably existed since the beginning of history, but has only recently entered common discourse in relation to dating and relationships. The concept of hypergamy is rooted in evolutionary psychology, which posits that men and women have evolved different mating strategies to maximize their reproductive success.
According to evolutionary theory1, men are attracted to women who are young and physically attractive, as these traits indicate a woman's reproductive potential. Women, on the other hand, are attracted to men who they perceive to have the best access to resources (e.g. wealth and influence) . The theory suggests women are biologically wired to seek partners who can provide them and their offspring with resources and protection. This may appear cynical when viewed through the lens of the current era, but makes a lot more sense throughout most of history when the majority of the population lived in abject poverty under constant threat of war, banditry, famine, and disease.
The Influence of Hypergamy on Female Dating Preferences
Hypergamy influences female dating preferences in a number of ways. First, women tend to be attracted to men who are of higher social status than themselves. This can manifest in a number of ways, including men who have high-paying jobs, financial wealth, high levels of education, or a social circle of influential people.
Hypergamous women respond to a range of cues. Overt wealth cues such as expensive clothes, accessories and cars impress some. Others recognise that “shiny objects” don’t necessarily reflect lasting ability to generate wealth, and are more concerned with the behavioural cues associated with long term success. Confidence, assertiveness, communication skill and social competence are common qualities that women find attractive, as is a commitment to a personal mission or sense of purpose.
Navigating Hypergamy as a Man
After learning about hypergamy, some men begin to despair (“I am swimming in debt, I could never afford to buy fancy watches or cars!” or “I don’t believe in flaunting wealth, how can I compete with guys who do?”). Do not fall for the mistaken assumption that hypergamy is the governing principle of attraction! Hypergamy definitely plays a role in the dating preferences of most women, however its influence is usually more subtle than you might assume.
Sure, some women will spurn a man who doesn’t drive a flashy car and shower her with expensive gifts, but how many men really want this behaviour in their relationship? I would advise caution about getting involved with anyone who sees you first as an ATM and second as a romantic partner. If you are financially comfortable, you may have more dating success by avoiding overt displays of wealth specifically to avoid attracting “gold diggers”.
Most women have much more complex preferences shaped by their personal values, past relationship experience, and their own life goals. Hypergamy still plays a part, often in the form of a preference for men who display the character traits they associate with success and status. Also keep in mind the even more mysterious factor of sexual attraction in this mix. Vanishingly few women feel a sense of arousal in response to overt displays of wealth, however a poor man with the right approach and skills can cause a woman to melt given the right circumstances. Without the chemistry of the scintillating interplay of sexual energy between you, no amount of wealth or power will guarantee a lasting, fulfilling romantic relationship.
Any man who is willing to work hard to improve himself achieve his own form of success can benefit from a woman’s hypergamous preferences. The key areas of self-improvement on which to focus are:
If you were to pick just one of these areas to prioritise first, I would focus on Masculinity for the simple reasons that it is the basis for sexual chemistry, it will help you differentiate yourself from a large segment of other men in the dating market who are either “nice guys” or “simps”, and the mindset you build by focusing on this will simplify and accelerate your progress in the other areas.
Have You Noticed The Effects of Hypergamy in Dating?
Let us know in the comments about your own experiences with hypergamy. If you’re a woman, have you been consciously aware of how a man’s status affects your tendency to qualify or disqualify him as a partner? Men, have you compared the experience of flaunting your wealth vs. concealing it during the dating process?
Leave a comment with your experiences below.
Buss, D. M. (1989). Sex differences in human mate preferences: Evolutionary hypotheses tested in 37 cultures. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 12(01), 1-49. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0140525X00023992