Cultivating Attractive Qualities: Confidence
Character development tips for men
1In The Rise and Fall of Pickup Artistry we discussed how the pickup artist can temporarily mask their insecurity and social ineptitude with party tricks and routines that trigger a woman’s sense of attraction. In contrast, the authentic man strives to improve his character by replacing the unattractive traits with desirable ones.
Although we may not be consciously aware of it, one of the first qualities we notice in others is the level of confidence they project. Confidence manifests in almost every aspect of verbal and non-verbal communication:
Posture
Tendency to hold eye contact
Relaxed, deliberate movements
Vocal tonality and cadence
Gestures
To develop confidence, we need to overcome the anxiety that triggers our sympathetic nervous system’s “fight, flight or freeze” reflex. If we avoid triggering the sympathetic system response, the more relaxed parasympathetic modes of “rest and digest” or “feed and breed” can prevail2.
Most of us have some confidence, but perhaps it is limited to certain contexts; e.g. we may feel confident in your profession, sport, or hobby, but feel shy or even anxious in social settings. This is because competence builds confidence, and we tend to apply an enormous amount of focus to building competence in our careers, playing sport, or otherwise pursuing our passions, usually with the support of teachers, coaches and mentors who help us refine our skills and accelerate our path to mastery.
These pursuits also tend to be team-oriented, which brings the added benefit of stimulating the production of “feel-good” neuro-chemicals such as oxytocin. Stress such as the activation of the sympathetic nervous system’s “fight or flight” reflex causes our bodies to produce the stress chemical cortisol. Oxytocin tends to reduce cortisol levels, thereby reducing feelings of stress and promoting calmness. We can use this phenomenon to our advantage when seeking to build confidence by sharing the experience. Find a few people to whom you can relate, and who also seek to develop their confidence. By openly discussing your efforts to build new skills and the challenges or sticking points you encounter, you will rapidly build trust and transform the stressful experience of facing our anxieties alone into the satisfying feeling of being part of a team tackling a worthy challenge. They can also help you find your blind spots, and you will benefit from the experiences and insights they share about their own journeys.
Find your tribe
Do you already know other men who might be facing the same challenges as you? If so, explain to them the benefits of collaborating and enlist their support. Don’t worry if you don’t already have suitable friends in mind as there are several options available to you:
Engage a life coach or dating coach
Join a men’s group
Let other people know you want to link up with other men in similar circumstances
A simple online search should yield a variety of local possibilities for the first two options, with the added benefit that you can start immediately.
Fake it until you make it
Authenticity is the goal, but until you build authentic confidence it doesn’t hurt to practise displaying its qualities. There is a subconscious feedback loop between our physical bodies and emotional state, so by adopting confident posture and body language, you will notice subtle changes in the level of confidence you feel.
Keep it simple. Focus on one or two qualities at a time and pay attention to them in all your interactions with other people for a few days:
Posture: do you look relaxed, open, and in control?
How might you make subtle adjustments to look more confident?
Eye contact: do you look people in the eye and hold their gaze appropriately when interacting with them?
If you find eye contact particularly difficult, challenge yourself to make a note of the eye colour of everyone you meet.
Movements & gestures: do you move slowly and deliberately?
How might you minimise unnecessary or nervous gesturing?
Can you find a comfortable, relaxed hand position that helps prevent you from gesticulating unnecessarily? (Relaxed by your sides when standing; when seated relaxed with hands resting on your thighs are examples of relaxed, respectful confident postures to consider).
Vocal cadence: record yourself speaking - is your speech slow and deliberate?
How might you slow your speech down, and include more pauses for emphasis or effect?
Vocal tonality: listen to your speech again - does the inflection sound like you are sure of yourself?
If your statements sometimes sound like they could be questions, pay attention the inflection towards the end of your sentences. An upward inflection of pitch towards the end of a sentence sounds like a question, whereas downward inflection implies absolute certainty.
Your breathing plays an important part in the sound of your speech. Deep, relaxed breathing helps you to project your voice and create a deeper tone by using your chest for resonance.
Breathing: are you taking slow, full, deep breaths?
Under stress, we tend to revert to short, shallow, ineffective breaths.
Simply noticing your breath and taking a few slow, full, deliberate breaths can help you to relax and slow down your speech, gestures, and movements to promote an aura of confidence.
You may find learning to meditate helps you develop these traits of confidence. Most meditation practices develop your awareness of your breathing and help you to slow down and shift more into the parasympathetic state. Simply learning to be still, relax your body and mind, and breathe deeply and deliberately can profoundly enhance your sense of confidence. Look online for “how to meditate” videos, or better yet, find a course or meditation group you can join and connect with new people while you’re learning a useful skill.
Practising the techniques outlined above will create a feedback loop that makes you feel and appear more confident up to the point where you realise that you’ve reached the limits of your competence. In other words, in order to achieve authentic confidence, you also need to build your competence.
Links to All Articles In The “Cultivating Attractive Qualities” Series:
Do you have more good suggestions for developing authentic confidence? Please share and discuss!
Music: "There It Is" Kevin MacLeod (Creative Commons: BA 4.0 License)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasympathetic_nervous_system
I find your comments on vocal tonality really interesting. I had never thought about the inflection at the end of a sentence before… it does seem unsure and far less attractive than a man who speaks slower, more deliberately and therefore seems unwavering and more confident (no inflection).