Cultivating Attractive Qualities: How to "Be Interesting"
Character development tips for men
Remember the rule “be interested to be interesting”? When we introduced this rule it was in the context of showing interest in your partner’s conversation. It also applies in another equally important context: “having your own interests and ambitions”.
Let’s be perfectly clear: we are not referring specifically to shared interests, but rather something that demonstrates that a man has his life organised in such a way that he is capable of satisfying his social needs and has an established set of values and priorities in life. To put it bluntly, this represents evidence that a man has a life of his own and is less likely to become dependent on a woman for meeting all of his social and emotional needs. Most women want a romantic partner to be their equal, and the attraction will quickly wane if they sense their role in the relationship becoming more like the mother than the lover.
In a similar vein, women who desire mthe comfort of stability and constancy from their relationship with their partner seek assurance that their man is anchored to an unshakeable foundation. This foundation typically manifests as a robust sense of life purpose underpinned by a set of values and priorities on which he will not compromise, even for her. Even if her world suddenly turns upside down, she can rely on him to remain grounded and offer a path back to normalcy.
Contrast this with the common “Nice Guy” scenarios described by Dr Glover whereby men sacrifice their personal needs and desires to make a woman their overarching priority in life. The resulting co-dependence creates a precarious balance, and the slightest emotional trauma to either party threatens to collapse the union as each clings to the other in desperate search of emotional support. As waves of chaos wash over the couple, both become lost to the tumult due to the lack of external emotional anchors, and emotional neediness and desperation displace the last vestiges of attraction.
You don’t need exotic hobbies, expensive adventures, or particularly noble pursuits. Simply find a few endeavours that bring you satisfaction, identify a goal worth pursuing (other than attracting the woman of your dreams), work out the values that are important to you, and prioritise and live your day-to-day life accordingly.
Trap to Avoid: Focusing On Pursuit At the Expense of Attraction
Your routine and social life can have a significant bearing on how potential partners perceive you. Do you spend all your free time hanging out at bars and nightclubs approaching women? Does this lifestyle bring you genuine fulfilment? Would you want to continue this lifestyle if you had a committed relationship?
Consider this: If you invest all of your free time and energy into the pursuit of romance, what do you think will happen after you meet someone and progress to a serious relationship?
Many men fall into the following flawed pattern of behaviour:
Feeling something is missing from their lives
Presuming the missing piece to be the emotional fulfilment of a romantic relationship
Prioritising their time and energy on finding and attracting a romantic partner
After establishing a new relationship, refocusing that time and energy on her with the intention of pleasing her.
Replacing their prior mission of finding love with this new mission of serving their partner
This pattern is in fact so common that you may well be wondering to yourself “What’s wrong with that? Isn’t that how relationships work?”. After all, this is essentially the pattern we observe so often in the movies and on TV.
To understand the problem with this pattern, we need to consider it from two different perspectives: the woman’s point of view, and the “future self” reflection.
From the woman’s point of view, she meets this interesting, charismatic guy who appears to have a vibrant social life and is fun to be with. Maybe he could be “the one”?
As things become more serious, his social life starts to fade. He still enjoys an occasional night out clubbing, but mostly he just follows her around like an obedient puppy. When they’re not doing something together, he spends the rest of his time lazing on the couch in front of the TV or playing computer games. This might be nice for a while, after all she may have craved the companionship as well, but as time marches on the relationship will be put to the test by external factors - stress and trauma from work or family dramas, health scares, or perhaps even temptation by an enchanting stranger who seems to promise all the excitement that by now has faded from the relationship.
At this point she will realise three things:
the image of a confident, outgoing, guy with a vibrant social life that she initially fell for was just a facade
She cannot rely on him to be her emotional “rock” and provide the stability and support she desires, since he has anchored his universe around her.
His lack of independent purpose combined with his emotional dependence on her has eroded the attraction she once felt for him. Furthermore, the relationship has transformed from that of romantic partners to something more like that of mother and child.
The man’s perspective is a little different. The initial excitement of the new relationship consumes all of his attention, and like an addict he becomes dependent on her company to fulfil his social and emotional needs. As time progresses the thrill of the new relationship fades, giving way to familiar routine. The feeling that something is missing from his life may return to take the place of the faded thrill. He may start to notice her becoming more distant, and may develop some resentment that despite making her the centre of his universe, she takes him for granted and seems less interested in him. To make things even more confusing, any efforts he now makes to rebuild his independence and pursue his personal goals will often be met with complaints from his partner implying that she feels he is neglecting her by reclaiming some of his attention for himself.
It is much easier to build a lifestyle and routine that fulfils you while you are single. Maintaining your commitment to the aspects of this routine you hold important (social relationships, pursuit of your interests or passions, sport and exercise, community service, self development, etc) is an important part of maintaining authenticity as you enter a new relationship. Whilst you may need to rebalance your lifestyle to allow quality time with your new partner, the sense of purpose, personal fulfilment and social support these pursuits provide are essential to maintaining stability and direction in life beyond your romantic relationship. This is crucial when external factors such as health scares, family dramas, breaches of trust and other traumatic events test the relationship. A man who anchors his world to his partner is likely to become completely lost if the relationship falters, making it much more difficult to restore stability and recover the situation. A man who remains true to his own mission and purpose has a better ability to maintain perspective through challenging times, making it easier to identify and take the appropriate steps to recover the situation.
Links to All Articles In The “Cultivating Attractive Qualities” Series:
Be Interesting
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Have you (or the man in your life) given up your interests in the course of the relationship? How has it affected your dynamic with your partner?