Cultivating Attractive Qualities: Skilful Conversation

Character development tips for men

Sep 08, 2022

In my experience, men’s and women’s brains tend to be wired very differently when it comes to conversation. Consequently, so many men miss the opportunity to build rapport and attraction in their conversations with women. You may well be an entertaining raconteur, and some may find that an attractive quality, but there’s a big difference in the dynamic between an entertainer performing for an audience and an intimate dialogue among a small group of people. All other things being equal, a woman generally finds a man who guides the conversation towards topics that interest her and elicit recall of positive emotions more interesting than someone who talks about himself or emotionally neutral topics.

Be INTERESTED to be INTERESTING!

This creates a surprising challenge for many men. Once you start paying attention to this dynamic, you start to notice just how differently men and women approach conversation! It may seem cliched, but more often than not men tend to focus on facts and technical details, and rush to find a common interest in sports or hobbies, whereas women generally prefer to discuss people and emotions. It therefore requires conscious effort for many men to break the habit of fixating on facts and figures and tune into the more human aspects of our partner’s conversation that cause them to light up with joy or excitement. Remember, women tend to be attracted to men who make them feel good, not to people who interrogate them about facts and figures.

Is there a man in your life who might benefit from learning to be a better conversationalist? Do him a favour and share this article now!

Emotion fuels attraction, logic leads to boredom

It seems paradoxical that someone would perceive you as being far more interesting if you asked more questions instead of regaling them with amazing stories of your own adventures. The reason may lie in the fact that talking about ourselves activates the mesolimbic dopamine system1 - part of the brain linked to pleasurable feelings (including sex). In other words, talking about yourself might make you feel good, but encouraging someone else to talk about themselves makes them feel good, and they’ll enjoy their conversation with you even more.

Open questions unlock conversational possibilities!

Open questions are the key to starting and sustaining a conversation for two reasons:

The other person must think and engage with you rather than automatically replying with a single word
The longer reply will usually present potential threads of conversation to pursue

Example Conversation Driven By Closed Questions:

Him: “Did you go away for the long weekend?”
Her: “Yes!”
Him: “Where did you go?”
Her: “The Gold Coast”
Him: “What did you do?”
Her: < scans room for excuse to leave, thinks: this getting tedious >
Him: < thinks: this is hard work… mumbles an excuse and walks away >

Example Conversation Driven By Open Questions:

Him: “What was the highlight of your long weekend?”
Her: “Let me think…. It would have to be Saturday night, my best friend and I went to this fabulous restaurant in the Gold Coast, then we sang karaoke at this awesome bar we found. I haven’t had that much fun in years!”
Him: “Sounds like you had a wonderful holiday…” then choose a thread:
“What’s it like travelling with your bestie?”
“What did you enjoy so much about the restaurant?”
“I’ve never actually tried karaoke, what’s it like?”

Each of these threads has a degree of emotion attached to it, and pulling on each one of them is likely to lead to other topics you can explore. Along the way, you’re likely to stumble across common interests. As you do, simply acknowledge them and steer the conversation back to the other person.

Example of Maintaining the Focus on the Other Person

Her: “It’s this Japanese place where they cook at the table and throw rice at you, but the food was really delicious too”.
Him: “Oh, I know what you mean. I love Japanese food. You should try <favourite local place> some time! Anyway, tell me more about the trip. What was it like travelling with your bestie?”

It’s no coincidence that open questions generate more fluid conversations. People generally like to talk about themselves, and will generally volunteer information in their answers that represent topics that please them. Recognising these topics leads to threads of conversation that flow with grace and enthusiasm.

Be Present! Failing to give your full attention in your first 1:1 conversation makes the chance of a second one very unlikely!

Most people can recognise when someone is fully present and invested in conversation with them, but it’s even more apparent when a conversation partner is not listening, as is so often the case with nervous men who are so anxious about carrying the conversation that they are too busy trying to think up their next question that they do not actually hear what their partner is saying, let alone pick up on these gifts of topic threads that might lead to an actual connection.

Trust your conversation partners to give you the clues to create a fun, vibrant discussion. Stay in the moment and listen for the threads. Follow the ones that genuinely interest you most, or at least have the most appealing emotional tone. If you get stuck, ask an open question about people or feelings relevant to one of the threads, and pay attention for the next clue.

Avoid the temptation to interrupt

Nobody likes to be interrupted in mid-conversation, and many people take great offence to interruptions. In many situations a man interrupting a woman is likely to be interpreted at the very least as disrespect, and increasingly as misogynistic. No matter how well-intentioned your enthusiasm to respond, always give your conversation partner the courtesy of allowing them to finish sharing their thought before voicing yours.

Practise, Practise, Practise!

Conversation is an art, and mastery only comes with practice. The good news is that you can practise all the techniques described in this chapter anywhere you can find other humans! Whilst this style of conversation is ideal for building emotional connections with prospective romantic partners, it is equally effective at creating or strengthening rapport with friends, clients and even strangers regardless of gender. As you build habits of connecting with the people you encounter in your day-to-day routine, also apply these conversational techniques and observe how your conversations and relationships evolve as a result.

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