Where Are The High Quality Single Women Hiding?

Tips for Mature Aged Singles to Meet Attractive, Eligible People

One of the most frequent complaints from both men and women who find themselves single in their thirties or later is the difficulty of finding quality people to date. The allure of online dating with its promise of filtering potential candidates from a massive pool of singles soon fades after a few encounters with catfishing, scamming, ghosting, lack of chemistry, or simply not matching in the first place. Meanwhile, most of our friends are “coupled up” with all the associated burdens and responsibilities that stand in the way of socialising. Some persevere, swiping compulsively in every spare moment in the hope of respite from their loneliness. Some put dating on the back burner, pulling up Tinder once in a while in search of a hookup to provide some company on a lonely weekend evening. Others reach the conclusion that for now they are better off focusing their energy on the other priorities in their lives: kids, careers, side-gigs, personal growth, sports and hobbies, leaving the possibility of dating entirely to chance.

Knowing this, it’s easy to see why people form the impression that there’s a shortage of suitable potential dates out there. On the other hand, this same knowledge brings a certain power in terms of informing your own strategy to maximise the probability of meeting the right type of people.

Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash

Low Probability Strategies

Temper your expectations about these approaches, as the odds of finding a high quality romantic partner are pretty low. By all means try them out if doing so brings you enjoyment, but don’t let a lack of success in these venues discourage you from trying others.

Bars & Nightclubs

Except in circumstances where the local bar is a focus of community gathering (e.g. university campus bars, or traditional “locals” that serve as the primary meeting place for neighbours and friends), mature age singles have a trivial chance of finding and attracting a high quality mate in these venues. The problems I find with these venues are:

• no common ground in terms of values or interests (except perhaps choice of music) = no better odds of a match than approaching random strangers in the street

• typically cater to a younger crowd (20s-30s)

• people you meet while they are drunk are more likely to ghost you when they sober up

• usually too noisy to connect with people via meaningful conversation

• presence of many other (often intoxicated) men on the prowl puts women on guard / less welcoming of your approach

• most women with careers, responsibility and interests beyond socialising tend to only visit these venues infrequently

Online Dating / Apps

Have you ever met someone who speaks favourably about online dating? It’s so easy to believe that you should be able to dial in your ideal preferences to craft your ideal lover and then magically match with them via an app. The reality could not be more different! Reduced to a profile of a few small snapshots and maybe a line or two of text, there is no scope for personality or charisma to play a part in selecting a potential match. Instead of relying on physical bearing and conduct towards others, we are reduced to competing on photogenics, self-proclaimed virtues, and the ability to engage in witty banter in less than 128 characters.

Aside from the cost of subscriptions (which fails to yield a return for more than half of all users if we measure success by forming committed relationships from online dating), here are three major problems I see with Online Dating:

Incomplete Dating Pool

Despite the apparent popularity of online dating, many people continue to avoid it. A poll by Pew research in 2020¹ indicated that only 38% of Americans in the 30-49 age bracket have used online dating, and only 16% have built long term relationships with someone they met through online dating. These figures include gay and lesbian singles, who are twice as likely to use online dating as hetero users. This means that there are a whole bunch of single women whom you will need to seek out in real life since they are simply not online.

Misaligned Markets:

Various studies confirm the flaws of online dating. In rough terms, 80% of women are competing for the most attractive 20% of men, leaving 80% of men to chase the least attractive 20% of women. This situation is exaggerated on platforms such as Tinder whose male users potentially outnumber women on the platform by 2:1². So no matter how much of a catch you may be in real life, unless you are a master of online marketing and social media promotion, the odds are stacked heavily against you in the online space.

Laundry Lists Don’t Work

Approaching dating with a preconceived list of mandatory qualities that you require before even considering dating them severely limits your options. It’s fine to have standards, but try to keep them to the minimum required to permit a harmonious relationship. Disqualifying potential matches based on arbitrary qualities such as age, height, or where they live is not particularly helpful. What if the perfect match was just one month older or younger than your cutoff? Or lives 1km beyond your maximum search radius? Unfortunately the online dating scene tends to promote the notion that you can dial in your ideal mate through these arbitrary preferences, ensuring you never even meet people whose profiles don’t match, no matter how much chemistry you may have otherwise shared.

Also try quizzing couples you know who are enjoying lasting relationships. How many of them would describe their partner as “everything they were looking for”? In many, if not most instances, you’ll get answers along the lines of “she was so different from my type, but we hit it off and haven’t looked back”, or “he made me laugh and I enjoyed talking with him, and soon after I started to find him physically attractive”. Every one of these relationships was only made possible by meeting in real life, as filters and preferences would have ruled them out from an online match.

How to Make Online Dating Work

Whilst online dating has many drawbacks, it can still be a useful tool if you use it wisely. Seek out the latest research to understand the demographics of each platform, and choose the one that maximises your chances of success. Studies like this help to identify the platforms preferred by women of various age groups. Also keep in mind that platforms that require payment are more likely to attract a user base who are serious about finding a meaningful relationship.

It also pays to invest in some professional assistance to get some high quality profile photos and guidance on your profile text that will allow you to stand out from the competition.

Moderate-to-High Probability Strategies

When it comes to finding a high quality partner, these strategies tend to yield more reliable results than the random approaches of bars, clubs, and online dating.

Being Sociable

Building the habit of consciously connecting with everyone who crosses your path is an amazing way to build your social network and open new doors of opportunity. You never know - every person you connect with socially could potentially be the one who introduces you to your perfect match. This habit also makes it much easier to approach women you find attractive, since you’re already in the habit of speaking to strangers anyway, and tends to make you more attractive by appearing more socially competent than less sociable men. Whilst this alone won’t necessarily ensure you meet quality women, it is an invaluable addition to the following strategies. For tips on how to develop social habits, read:

Cultivating Attractive Qualities: Social Competence

Pursue Skills & Knowledge

Whether your interests lie in music, arts and crafts, languages, dancing, photography, cooking, philosophy or esoteric arts, short courses and workshops provide excellent opportunities to connect with people who share your interests. Bonding over a common interest and then extending the relationship into a social and/or romantic context can be an excellent way of avoiding the job-interview feeling that often accompanies dates originating from matchmaking services and apps.

Whilst you won’t always meet suitable matches in these events, at least you will still get value from them in terms of personal growth. You’ll also appear more interesting to potential partners, especially if they share an appreciation of the subject matter. You’ll also have the opportunity to build new friendships which will further expand your social circle, thereby increasing your odds of meeting “friends of friends”, getting you that much closer to finding your match.

Seek Introductions Through Friends and Colleagues

In some cultures romance is not left to chance. Relatives who understand what it takes to make a relationship succeed, and who also know the singles intimately orchestrate matches on their behalf. I’m not advocating for compulsory arranged marriage, however there is merit in the idea that the people who care about us may also be able to help connect us with worthy partners. By letting friends and colleagues know that you’re looking, you increase your chances of an introduction to a “friend of a friend” - i.e. someone preselected based on common values and/or interests.

Speed Dating & Singles Dinners

These events can be hit and miss, but the odds are still better than Online Dating. Avoid speed dating events with open bars. In my experience these tend to attract people who are insecure about dating and drink far too much too quickly to calm their nerves, leading to some fairly sloppy behaviour and conversation. Although mildly amusing to observe, I’d prefer to date women who have enough self-confidence and dignity to sit through a round of speed dating without relying on Dutch courage.

The most interesting speed dating event I’ve attended was one where the facilitator asked the questions, and the singles gave their answers to each other in pairs before rotating and waiting for the next question. Despite the somewhat random and abstract nature of the questions (e.g. “if you could be an animal, what would you choose?”), it was still surprisingly easy to identify which women I was interested in getting to know further.

The benefit of these events is that they tend to attract participants who seek a more serious level of commitment than just a casual fling. They also provide the opportunity for conversation, giving you a chance to feel out charisma and chemistry before investing too much time and effort.

To be successful in any of these events, you will need effective conversation skills. For some extra tips, read:

Cultivating Attractive Qualities: Skilful Conversation

Final Thoughts

Remember that unless you want to date a missionary, the woman you desire is extremely unlikely to simply come knocking on your door. Whenever possible get out and about to maximise your chances of meeting new people, even if it’s just visiting your local cafe to read the papers or catch up on some email, or heading down to the beach to read your novel.

A well-rounded dating strategy will usually consist of a mixture of the approaches described here. First and foremost, be sociable. Make it a daily habit, and take every opportunity to connect with other people and socialise, especially if you find it uncomfortable to do so. Use singles events and online dating apps to practise your conversation skills / banter / flirting with the objective of having fun and making the encounter fun for the people with whom you interact. Invest in your personal growth, and connect with the people who share your interests. Sooner or later you’ll find the spark you seek, but along the way you’ll have have the joy of growth and fellowship with others who share your interests.

Do You Have Other Suggestions?

Share the strategies that have worked for you by leaving a comment.

1. https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/02/06/the-virtues-and-downsides-of-online-dating/

2. https://healthyframework.com/dating/advice/online-dating-statistics/