Cultivating Attractive Qualities: Social Competence
Character development tips for men
It’s impossible to build connections with people without being sociable, and being sociable is very difficult to fake effectively! Thinking back to the pickup artist examples, one of the reasons that less competent PUAs come across as being a bit creepy is that they are not authentically sociable. They will act out a routine to interact with a woman they find attractive while ignoring the other people around them. This stands in stark contrast to the truly sociable person who naturally acknowledges and engages others around him without any apparent agenda. Anyone who notices that the PUA only engages “targets” usually senses something awkward or even predatory about his behaviour due to its incongruence.
Fortunately, there are numerous strategies to help men who dread finding themselves in a social situation with people they don’t know, let alone striking up a conversation with an attractive stranger! The key to authentic social competence is to practise in small increments. This will allow you to calibrate your behaviour without much discomfort, until “being sociable” becomes a habit.
Don’t just transact, connect!
Think about the people you briefly interact with on a regular basis; the barista who brews your morning coffee, security guards and receptionists who control access to your office, the barber who cuts your hair. Do you know their name? What colour are their eyes? Do you know anything about them at all? Next time you interact with them make it a more personal experience. For example:
Make eye contact - if this feels weird, just try to notice and remember the colour of their eyes.
Take a moment to enquire about them - e.g. on a Monday you could ask them what the highlight of their weekend was, you could also enquire about their plans and career aspirations, or ask their opinion on topical events.
Ask their name (and introduce yourself too): “I realised that you’ve been making my coffee every day for the last 12 months, and I don’t even know your name - I’m Fred…”
Try to notice something about them which you can compliment - e.g. the way they make your coffee, a cool item of clothing or jewellery they wear, etc. (avoid commenting on their physical appearance if doing so might be construed as creepy!)
Take a genuine interest in getting to know them. Remember little facts about them - e.g. if they have a pet or kids, or they’re planning a holiday, and ask them about it next time you see them.
Congratulations! You’ve just learned to connect with someone without expectation of anything in return. Now practise this with other people you encounter until it becomes an easy habit.
Now you can try stepping up to the next level - making conversation with people you don’t otherwise have a need to interact with. Fellow travellers in a lift, at a bus stop and the person sitting at the next table in a cafe are all potential new connections. All you need to do is break the ice by speaking to them: you could acknowledge something positive about them with a compliment (e.g. if they have a particularly cool item of clothing or jewellery), ask if they can recommend something from the menu, ask if they know when the bus is due or if they know where the stop is closest to your destination. It doesn’t really matter what the topic is, just break the ice and pay attention to whether they appear uncomfortable to continue or open to further dialogue. You can either continue chatting, or graciously thank them and leave them in peace.
Connecting with other people becomes much less intimidating when you apply this method. The secret is to practise frequently when you have no vested interest in the outcome of the interaction until you notice yourself automatically connecting authentically with the people around you without conscious effort. You might also notice a shift in the way other people behave towards you - they’re likely to become more open and engaging, essentially mirroring your new behaviour. And since you have now formed the habit of engaging with the people around you, opening a conversation with someone you find attractive comes across as natural rather than incongruous or predatory.
The ability to connect with other people creates many opportunities to build relationships of all kinds, but to build a connection that lasts beyond the moment requires a bit more effort. Building the rapport and interest to sustain the connection requires some conversational skill. There is a profound difference between the ability to be articulate and the ability to sustain an engaging conversation. In fact, some of the smartest, best educated men who can speak for hours about their areas of expertise often struggle to sustain a conversation with someone who doesn’t share their interest. Read this next to understand the art of skilful conversation.
Links to All Articles In The “Cultivating Attractive Qualities” Series:
Social Competence
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