Asking for a Smack

Simon Mack Explores the Paradox of Pleasurable Pain

As a naïve twenty year old, I had a brief relationship with a woman who was clearly more experienced than I was. We experimented with a few kinks, but none of it really clicked for me. In particular, there were two activities that I really struggled with:

• Restraint, and

• Spanking

My issue with restraint was selfish, and a reflection of my immaturity at the time. Having grown up in an environment where almost all my peers were male, my first serious experiences with dating and sexual intimacy began around age 18. At twenty, sexual intimacy was still a novelty, and I craved the intoxicating pleasure of a girl showing me affection through touch. If I restrained her, I robbed myself of that pleasure, and aside from the thrill of indulging a taboo, I was oblivious to the pleasure that either party could take from power exchange.

Photo by Andrew Le on Unsplash

I was taken aback the first time a girlfriend asked me to spank her. Why would I want to inflict pain on someone I cared about? Nevertheless, she was insistent that she wanted me to spank her while we had sex, and I obliged. This must have been the single most feeble demonstration of spanking in the history of kink! I simply couldn’t overcome the cognitive dissonance of overriding twenty years of ingrained belief that men must never strike women, and that women are delicate and must be treated gently at all times. Growing up on a diet of Hollywood and Disney, heavily influenced by well-meaning matriarchs of my family, and having limited contact with girls can do that to a boy. In hindsight, even if I’d completely overcome these beliefs, I would still have struggled to find my sense of inner violence to deliver an effective smack. At the time I had even less experience with violence than I did with sex, and the notion of inflicting pain was anathema to me.

Let’s be clear: I still hold the belief that men should never strike women, albeit with some additional nuances. Men should not strike women (or anyone less capable of matching their physical violence) motivated by anger. I’m happy to make allowances for physical force in defence against physical violence, and also in a mutually consensual context of sport or play. On the other hand, experience has taught me that despite the often delicate appearance of femininity, women are physically every bit as robust as men, and they do not actually want to be handled with kid gloves. In the bedroom, many, and perhaps even most women take great pleasure in appropriately rough play.

It wasn’t until I saw a demonstration of impact play that led the woman on the receiving end to a knee-trembling orgasm (and squirting, but that’s a topic for another day) that I started to realise there was more to spanking than I understood.

Photo by Bedbible .com: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-bdsm-mask-and-whip-on-black-surface-12109316/

Why Do People Enjoy Being Spanked?

To really appreciate spanking, we need to consider what’s going on in the physical, physiological, and psychological dimensions.

Physical

Physical stimulus exists on a spectrum, from barely noticeable to unbearable. At or above a certain threshold, this stimulus draws the recipient’s attention to the site being touched. Unlike more gentle touch which we can more easily ignore, pain stimulus demands attention, and above a certain level, or with enough persistence, it can dominate the recipient’s attention to the point that they cease to think about other things.

This experience of shutting off all thoughts of other things holds tremendous appeal to some people as it provides a momentary escape from the stresses of life, or even from other persistent lower level pain they may suffer.

In the context of sensual impact play, there is usually a mix of pain and pleasure stimulus. After drawing the recipient’s attention to the impact site of a series of spanks, the practitioner might suddenly switch to an affectionate caress or massage. In contrast with the pain stimulus, the recipient’s sensation of the affectionate touch tends to be much more heightened than it might be in isolation.

We also need to consider the physical site of impact. Buttocks are the most common target. The proximity of genitalia to the buttocks means that certain types of impact in this area will be transferred to the nerves associated with sexual pleasure. Regular practitioners of impact play actually differentiate between “stingy” and “thuddy” types of impact, such as the difference between an open hand slap compared with a closed fist thump. “Thuddy” sensations tends to be felt more deeply and sexually, whereas stings are felt on the surface of the skin.

Physiological

Our body responds to pain stimulus in all sorts of ways. We can observe the way that the skin flushes as circulation increases beneath its surface at the site of impact. Impact players sometimes talk about “waking up” or “warming up” the skin, meaning to begin spanking the entire area lightly to induce this flushing response in readiness for more intense play. The flushed area will be much more sensitive to gentle touch, and makes it easy for the practitioner to target their attention to the right place.

We also have a chemical response to pain. The first time we experience the pain stimulus is usually a shock, but if as that stimulus repeats at the same intensity, we feel it less intensely than the initial strike. This is because our body starts producing endorphins which act as natural painkillers and in sufficient quantities can produce a sense of wellbeing and even euphoria¹.

Photo by Terry Vlisidis on Unsplash

A skilled practitioner will usually modulate the intensity of impact throughout a play session. Early in the session they will use an intensity that just meets the threshold required to trigger the production of endorphins. As they continue to deliver pain stimulus at this level, the recipient’s body starts building up reserves of pain response chemicals and hormones in preparation for managing an escalation of the pain intensity. We can think of this as filling up a reservoir of endorphins. At a certain point, the practitioner will deliver a strike of significantly higher intensity, causing the recipient’s body to open the floodgates and release a high dose of endorphins to counter the increased pain. The practitioner will then ease off again, allowing the recipient to enjoy the euphoria of the endorphin rush.

In addition to endorphins, the body also produces adrenaline in response to pain. Adrenalin is the “fight or flight” hormone, and is a powerful stimulant. If the pain reaches sufficient intensity, the body dumps adrenaline causing a sharp increase in heart rate, blood pressure, alertness and a significant decrease in pain sensitivity.

When escalating intensity, the practitioner navigates a fine line between delivering a sufficiently intense strike to trigger the flood of endorphins, while remaining beneath the threshold of causing an adrenaline rush. The endorphins generally cause a euphoric “floaty” state of enjoyment. An adrenaline rush can shatter this state in an instant, and is generally undesirable in impact play.

The last pain chemical we will mention is serotonin. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that contributes to the regulation of mood, emotions, and pain perception. It helps modulate the transmission of pain signals and can influence an individual's emotional response to pain. Higher levels of serotonin are associated with a greater tolerance for pain.

As the session progresses, the combined effects of endorphins, adrenaline, and serotonin will dampen the recipient’s perception of pain intensity. At the beginning of the session, the recipient might perceive a light smack as having a pain intensity of 3/10. After 10 minutes of spanking with the escalation described above, the same smack might barely register a 1/10. This means the practitioner will need to increase the intensity of their strikes just to be able to generate the same level of response.

Psychological

Impact play almost always takes place in the context of some form of power exchange, whereby the recipient submits to the practitioner. Many people find the act of submission deeply satisfying, or even arousing. There is sometimes also a taboo dimension to spanking, especially where the context resembles a role-play of childhood corporal punishment. In any case, impact play almost always involves a mental dimension inspired by the context of play and the way the dominant participant handles and speaks to the submissive.

Some recipients may also take pleasure in the creation and resolution of tension that takes place throughout the session. Their partner becomes their tormentor within agreed boundaries for a limited time which creates a tension between them, which resolves at the end of the session in the tenderness of aftercare.

Many recipients also take delight in the marks or bruises left by a particularly intense play session. The dull pain or physical appearance of these marks serves as a powerful reminder of the pleasure of the session, and in some cases can prompt them to re-experience those feelings after the fact.

Putting aside the extremely small number of true sadists who take pleasure specifically in inflicting pain, practitioners tend to derive their enjoyment from the pleasure and enjoyment they bring to their partner through the experience. They may also enjoy the thrill of having their partner submit to their will, and also derive satisfaction from their ability to conduct a session that brings their partner to new heights of bliss. Nevertheless, spanking and other forms of impact play are really about the pleasure of the recipient, not the practitioner.

Safe Spanking

To start exploring the world of impact play, pay attention to the following guidelines.

• Impact play begins with negotiation

  • Discuss this article with your partner and seek their consent to experiment together

  • Agree on a safeword. Safewords are particularly useful in power exchange plays where struggle or resistance is part of the play. They allow the submissive to say “please stop” as part of the role-play, while retaining the power to call an immediate halt to play if they really want to. Traffic light colours are good safe words: green means good, amber means I’m near my limit, red means stop.

  • Note that the dominant partner must also be able to call a halt to proceedings. This often occurs at the height of more intense sessions where the recipient is so intoxicated by the endorphin rush that they crave more, not recognising that the intensity has already escalated to a level that is becoming concerning to the practitioner.

  • Agree what will happen if you use the safeword. Ideally this will be immediately stop and check in with each other, leaving the submissive partner to decide if and how to continue.

  • Agree whether or not bruises or marks are acceptable to the recipient

• Ensure the room is comfortably warm

• Start with hands, not toys.

  • Hands are more personal, and give you a much more direct feel for the degree of intensity as you learn what feels best for your partner

• Use open-handed smacks on the buttocks.

  • Impact play can involve other body parts, but this is the safest place to start

• Start lightly to warm up the skin

  • Look for a pink flush to appear on the skin, and focus your ongoing attention on the pink areas.

• Use a combination of touch styles

  • Mix up smacks, caresses, rubbing and kneading

  • Modulate your touch according to the response it generates

• Observe your partner’s breathing and flinch response to smacks

  • These cues can tell you if your strike was hard enough or too hard

  • Remind them to keep breathing if they start holding their breath

That’s enough to start experimenting with spanking. If your partner is really getting into it, you can continue to escalate with the following considerations:

• Check in with your partner at frequent intervals

  • Especially when getting to know their pain tolerance and thresholds, periodically ask them how they’re feeling and if they want more or less intensity.

  • Remember that they will hopefully be in a somewhat altered “floaty” state of consciousness. Try to match that energy when checking in with them to avoid jolting them back to reality

• It is always better to leave your partner craving more than to trigger an unwanted adrenaline dump by pushing too hard

  • Really intense and/or prolonged play can lead to an adrenaline dump that leads to collapse. Although not inherently dangerous to a healthy person, it is generally not a particularly enjoyable outcome for either party.

• Remember the mental dimension

  • Use your voice, words, breath, touch, presence to arouse your partner’s mind during play

• Aftercare is essential

  • Everyone will have their own preference, ranging from being left alone with a warm blanket to cuddling with their partner and reaffirming their relationship. Whatever the case, you should ensure that your partner has enough water to drink and the support they need to gently come down from the experience. Do not leave them completely unattended until you are sure that they are no longer effected by the powerful hormones and chemicals we’ve discussed above.

Overcoming Your Own Blocks

Like my twenty-year-old self, you may find it difficult to overcome your own programming to be able to put the amount of force behind a strike to deliver the experience your partner really craves. Here are a couple of tips to help overcome these blocks.

Practise a martial art. This builds your familiarity with the use of force, both in terms of dealing and taking blows. It also helps you to tap into an inner sense of violence that is necessary to be able to strike with intent.

Develop your dark masculine energy. In addition to practising a martial art, the instructions in this previous article will further help you to tap into the darker side of your psyche in a way that benefits you and your partner.

Masculinity: Part 4 - Cultivating Dark Masculine Energy

Conclusion

Whether it’s adding the old playful smack to intercourse or indulging in full-fledged impact play sessions in pursuit of the natural high of endorphins, spanking and impact play can bring a new dimension to your relationship. Discuss it with your partner, start gently, and maintain regular and open communication to ensure that whatever you’re doing, it is in service of each other’s pleasure.

1. https://www.healthline.com/health/endorphins