Women Are NOT The Antidote To A Man's Loneliness!

Why seeking relationships with women to cure the loneliness of social isolation is a badly flawed strategy.

Loneliness sucks. I get it, I’ve been there - going years in my twenties without so much as meeting someone I wanted to date, let alone having the nerve to approach strangers in the hope of finding one. I wondered when my turn would come to meet “the one for me”. I believed that all I needed to complete my life was a girl to fall in love with me and live happily ever after. That’s how it works in the movies, right? Why should my life be any different?

Photo by Pierre Bamin on Unsplash

In my case I was seldom truly alone - at first. I socialised with colleagues after work once or twice a week. I spent my weekends and holidays pursuing hobbies and socialising with other men and women who shared my interests. Whilst I yearned for someone with whom I could share intimacy as well as adventures, I was fortunate to be living a fulfilling life surrounded by people whose company I enjoyed. Free of the demand to spend my free time with a significant other, I devoted what in hindsight was an unhealthy amount of time and energy to my career. A series of fast-tracked promotions in a rapidly growing industry led to me travelling almost non-stop for most of the year, stopping off at home for 36 hours over a weekend to run a load of washing, clear my mailbox, and set off again on Sunday afternoon to arrive at my next destination in time for meetings on Monday. I’ll admit that this was exhilarating for the first few weeks, but then my employer mistook my failure to assert boundaries as enthusiasm for more travel. By the end of the year my schedule eased and I found myself at home with nothing to do in my down time. Having grown accustomed to my repeated apologies: “sorry - I’m away for work that weekend” for so long, my friends had simply stopped inviting me to social activities and trips away. Many weekends passed when I would not even speak to another person - I’d just complete my chores, take a walk, go to the beach, watch videos, eat takeaway and try not to let the loneliness get to me. As time went on, the friends I used to spend my weekends paired off with partners or moved away to pursue their careers and the easy opportunities to socialise without advance planning became far less frequent.

It was at this point that I fell into the trap of thinking “if only I had a girlfriend to come home to, I wouldn’t have to feel lonely! She would organise social activities for us, and when we’re alone together we’d enjoy some romance and intimacy too! I’d also have a good excuse to work less hours and travel less frequently.” Like so many others, I failed to realise what I really needed:

1. social & emotional support of a few close friends

2. prioritise the things that are important to me

3. establish a social routine that maximises the probability of meeting the right person to fulfil my need for intimacy

4. set and enforce boundaries to prevent others (like my employer) encroaching on 1, 2 & 3.

I see this scenario play out time and again with men of all ages:

• Young men throw themselves into their studies and careers, neglecting their social lives and social skills until suddenly they realise that they want something more than financial success. They immediately jump to the conclusion that they need a girlfriend to fill this gap.

• More mature men find themselves socially isolated after the end of a long term relationship in which their partner was the sole organiser of social engagement. In the aftermath of the breakup, it turns out that their friends were really her friends.

• Other mature men become socially isolated out of the necessity of putting in the hours at work and at home to support their family leaving insufficient time, funds, or energy to maintain a healthy social life. After the breakdown of the relationship, these men lose the one person that they depended on for social and emotional support.

To make matters worse, it tends to become more difficult to find the time to establish new friendships as we get older.¹ It takes about 50 hours to form a “casual friendship”, about 100 hours to become "friends”, and about 200 hours to become “close friends”. Aside from the time spent together, the quality of friendship forged also depends on the nature of the interaction and depth of conversation. Self-disclosure and its associated vulnerability is an essential element of shifting the relationship from “acquaintance” to “friend”. With this in mind, it’s easy to understand how some men come to the conclusion that it’s easier to invest their available time and effort into finding a romantic partner rather than addressing their social needs through friendship.

Misery Is Not An Attractive Quality

The first problem with this mindset is that attracting a romantic partner becomes even more difficult when you are consumed by loneliness. Let me be clear: there is a distinct difference between wanting a relationship with a woman because you’re socially isolated and lonely, and wanting a relationship with a woman to bring intimacy and romance into an otherwise emotionally fulfilling life.

If you are unhappy about your life, why would a stranger you’ve just met want to share your unhappy life with you?

Technology has radically exaggerated the market nature of dating, and women in particular have an abundance of options available to them. For men, this means we’re competing with a vast army of other potential suitors. Misery and social isolation (or a lack of friends and interests outside work) constitute “red flags” for most women with any experience of dating. There is simply no need for a woman to settle for a man who has major “red flags”, unless she herself has significant shortcomings that undermine her own attractiveness.

Loneliness Can Lead to Co-dependence

If you do somehow overcome the odds of enticing a woman to share your unhappy life, (perhaps you’re blessed with an amazing physique, abundant wealth and charm?), what happens next? Now that you’ve solved the initial loneliness problem, you have even less incentive to invest in building new friendships.

Things might be OK for a while, but over time this dependence on her for social and emotional support will undermine and erode any sexual attraction. Setbacks in life that cause additional stress will further amplify and accelerate the erosion. Again, this might be OK for a while, but if she also feels the pressure of those setbacks she is likely to feel you are draining her emotionally through your dependence. She may also come to perceive this dependence as neediness and realise that her role has shifted from lover to becoming a surrogate mother, likely spelling the end of the relationship.

If you thought being lonely and socially isolated was miserable, you’ll hate the feeling of being heartbroken, lonely, and socially isolated! If your partner was the only person you could confide in, share your most intimate thoughts and emotions, her sudden disappearance from your life can be an extraordinarily de-stabilising event.

If Not Women, What Is the Antidote?

You are solely responsible for ensuring your needs are met. If you lack social and emotional support in your life, your first priority must be to build this by investing in friendships. It’s great if your lover can also be your best friend, but having a lover who is your only friend is a certain recipe for heartbreak or worse.

Start by listing the activities that bring you a sense of joy and/or fulfilment. If you find this difficult, your first challenge will be to get out there and try some! Check out your local community centre, sporting clubs, community colleges, dance schools, meetups and charities. Challenge yourself to try at least one new thing every week until you find a few that you really enjoy. You should also consider organisations such as “No More Mr Nice Guy” support groups and The Men’s Table.

Once you have a list of activities, identify the ones that are the most sociable. (If all of them are solitary, go out and try some new ones until you find some that are both sociable and enjoyable!) Remember, you typically need to engage with other people for at least 50 hours to even start building a friendship, so prioritise those activities that maximise your time to talk with the same people each time. Once you have built some rapport with your new activity-buddies, you can further accelerate the friendship-building process by spending time with them outside the shared activity, and steering the conversation towards personal matters rather than small-talk. This might be as simple as going for a coffee or a beer after the activity, or inviting a new friend from one activity to join you to try out a different activity together. Talk about things that are important, personal, and real. You might divulge a personal challenge you’re facing in the context of asking your new friends if they have any advice to offer. You often find that by taking the first step to open the door to such conversations, other people willingly open up about their own challenges and new bonds of friendship emerge from the mutual disclosure of vulnerability, and the recognition that you can all share personal matters without fear of judgement.

By simply embracing this challenge, you’ll be surprised at the extent to which the invigoration of new experiences displaces the old pervasive sense of loneliness! Even before you build new friendships, you will find yourself looking forward to the enjoyment and the potential that these new experiences represent. In due time you’ll establish a network of friends who share your interests and care about your welfare. Instead of hours of loneliness and boredom, your free time will centre on the people and activities that bring you joy and fulfilment, leaving you in a much healthier (and more attractive) frame of mind from which to pursue romantic relationships.

Keep Up The New Habits!

Once you find yourself in your next relationship, be sure to keep making time for the people and activities you enjoy! Even if your partner is not interested in them, if they bring you joy and fulfilment you owe it to yourself to keep them in your life.

1. Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518761225