The Peril of Pedestals
Rationalising Your Expectations Of Role Models and Women
You’ve probably heard the expression to “lead your own life”, but have you considered whether you are actually leading, or merely following others along life’s journey? Having clear control over your own life is a key part of what makes a man attractive to many women. Leading your own life means you must first live up to the values and expectations you hold, and acknowledge your success and achievements. Celebrating achievement can be difficult if your expectations are unrealistic, so let’s re-evaluate them by taking a more thoughtful look at those whose example you tend to follow.
Role Models
As children we are often inclined to see role models as infallible specimens of perfection. Parents, grandparents, other relatives, religious figures, celebrities and even fictional characters can serve as role models for impressionable minds, and we are often actively discouraged from critically evaluating their behaviour and values. These figures occupy god-like status in our lives, elevated above us mere mortals on their imaginary pedestals.
Who stands on your pedestals? Do they really deserve to be elevated so far above you?
To truly assume leadership over your own life, it might help to first knock down those pedestals. This is not a mark of disrespect towards the people you look up to, but rather recognition that everyone is fallible, and just because you don’t see the faults of your role models doesn’t mean they are perfect. Your relationship with your role models must evolve over time as you realise your own potential. Instead of worshipping them as infallible icons, look at them instead through a more critical lens:
Did you choose them, or did someone else impose their choice on you?
Which of their qualities do you admire?
How did they develop those qualities?
Why did they develop those qualities?
How would it serve your goals to develop these qualities?
How might you strive to develop those qualities?
What shortcomings do they have that you have previously overlooked?
What steps might you take to avoid the same shortcomings?
For this exercise, it may be worth reflecting on the life of each of your role models in the frame of “The Hero’s Journey”, or its more recent adaptation, “The Writer’s Journey”1, with your role model as the “hero” of the story. This framework describes the classic structure of myths and captures the impetus for, impediments to, and achievements of personal growth experienced by the hero.
The Ordinary World: the hero is seen in their everyday life
The Call to Adventure: the initiating incident of the story
Refusal of the Call: the hero experiences some hesitation to answer the call
Meeting with the Mentor: the hero gains the supplies, knowledge, and confidence needed to commence the adventure
Crossing the First Threshold: the hero commits wholeheartedly to the adventure
Tests, Allies, and Enemies: the hero explores the special world, faces trial, and makes friends and enemies
Approach to the Innermost Cave: the hero nears the center of the story and the special world
The Ordeal: the hero faces the greatest challenge yet and experiences death and rebirth
Reward: the hero experiences the consequences of surviving death
The Road Back: the hero returns to the ordinary world or continues to an ultimate destination
The Resurrection: the hero experiences a final moment of death and rebirth so they are pure when they reenter the ordinary world
Return with the Elixir: the hero returns with something to improve the ordinary world
The bottom line is that you’re now free to judge your role models against your own set of values and beliefs. Take from them the inspiration and insights that serve you to improve yourself.
What If You Have No Role Models?
If you don’t actually have anyone who you admire for at least one of their qualities, consider the reasons why:
Have you disqualified potential role models because you saw their shortcomings?
Are you entirely surrounded by people who are unworthy to be role models?
Are you so inwardly focused that you don’t pay attention to other people who might serve as examples to help you improve your own situation?
Whatever the reason, perhaps this more pragmatic approach of accepting role models equals, each with their own faults and foibles might help you identify and learn from those who have mastered the skills and qualities to which you aspire. If your own social circle lacks candidates you might look to literature, self development communities, the sporting world, or other groups that align with your values and interests. You should not underestimate the value of having at least a few people around you who inspire and challenge you to improve yourself.
Women - The Other Occupants of Perilous Pedestals
It’s not only role models whom we place on pedestals. Men (especially “Nice Guys”) frequently make the mistake of elevating the women they desire onto pedestals too. Overtaken by infatuation, they attach to her an imaginary set of expectations based on romantic ideals and skewed by their own insecurities. This may include:
Presumption that because she is beautiful, she couldn’t possibly find him attractive
Presumption that an attractive woman must already have a partner
Presumption that she needs and wants the protection, or at the very least, the help of a man
The notion that she is superior to him, and he should treat her with deference
Delusions of her perfection
Delusions of her sweetness & innocence
The presumptions borne of insecurity tend to be immediately self-defeating. Conviction that he would never have a chance with her robs him of whatever confidence he may have had, preventing him from approaching her, or at best reducing his approach to a feeble, self-conscious plea.
The presumption that she wants his protection can lead to her feeling smothered, and ultimately perceiving his attentiveness as neediness. Similarly, the deference of treating her as superior (rather than as an equal partner in the relationship) will soon lead to disappointment in a woman who expects her man to demonstrate at least some degree of leadership within the relationship.
The delusions of perfection and innocence also invite disappointment. Sooner or later he must confront the reality of her flaws. Perhaps she has a higher “body count” than fits his ideal, or she takes him for granted or treats him with contempt, perhaps her values fall short of his own. As reality comes crashing down, he faces the challenge of coming to terms with the difference between who he imagined her to be, and who she really is. Throughout, he will be tortured by the fact that she does not consistently reciprocate the affection he shows her, or by her distancing herself from him whenever he tries to bring her closer.
If his delusions collide with sexual shame it can lead him to fawn over her like some adolescent Disney prince wooing a virginal princess. That might sound sweet to naive ears, but if what she really desires is the raw passion of being ravaged by an intensely masculine man who is attuned to her sexual cravings, it will be she who faces the disappointment first. Similarly, if she senses that he is in love with a fantasy of her rather than her actual self, there is a significant chance that she will end things on her own terms and move on in search of someone whose expectations she can actually meet.
The Healthier Alternative
The problem with pedestals is that they put the person who stands on them out of reach and leave them susceptible to toppling. A much better approach, whether it be role models or women, is to treat everyone you choose to invite into your world as your equal and your guest. They remain in your world at your pleasure. Open your eyes and observe them objectively to be sure they deserve your attention, admiration, or attraction. It is up to you to ensure your guests know your boundaries, and to decide on the action to take when someone crosses them.
If you know you’re susceptible to becoming infatuated in the initial stages of dating, it might help to date multiple women at the same time. Knowing that you have options can help you maintain an “abundance mindset” and also your emotional balance. This helps avoid fixating on one woman and rushing into a relationship before you have a good sense of whether both yours and her expectations align. There is nothing ethically wrong with parallel dating, provided that you do not give any of your dates the impression that you are seeing them exclusively.
Once you commit to a relationship, keep in mind that it is a partnership. Very few women want a man who blindly follows her lead, effectively leaving her to do all the work of decision making and organising. Women generally prefer a man to display leadership by default, albeit within the context of an equal partnership. In other words she expects him strike the right balance between honouring his own sense of direction and purpose, taking initiative within the relationship, and taking into account her wants and needs, all while taking responsibility for satisfying his own. This is a very difficult role to play if you’re grovelling at the foot of a pedestal!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Writer%27s_Journey:_Mythic_Structure_for_Writers