Talking Dirty
Tips for Spicing Things Up Without Feeling Silly
NSFW Warning:
This article is part of the “Sex Ed For Grown Ups” section of Bed Bars and Beyond. It deals with adult topics that are generally considered inappropriate in the workplace. We recommend you consider your surroundings when reading this.
If you’d prefer not to receive future articles about sex and sexuality, you can adjust your subscription preferences at Bed Bars Beyond to stop receiving posts from the Sex Ed category.
Scroll to continue reading…
“The power of your voice. We all have energy clogged up in our body. When noticed, sounds and words move the energy inside us. That’s why it’s so powerful to move, dance, sing, scream, breathe and moan. Express yourself, don’t hold back. Let those primal sounds flow, let go. Dirty talk.... oh goooood! No clarification needed. Fuck my mind, calm me down, whisper things in my ear all day, sexual or not, play with the power you have as my man. We are all busy those days but give me a 15 seconds call and let me know it’s ON tonight and let your words echo in my mind all day.”
~Alex~
41 Things Women Wish Their Lovers Knew
While developing the 41 Things workshop series, I stumbled across the insight that so many of us have conditioned ourselves to be almost silent during sex! It starts in adolescence, stifling the sounds of self-pleasure to avoid the embarrassment of discovery by parents or siblings. It then continues into adulthood, as we try to keep our trysts quiet to avoid inviting teasing or judgement, or perhaps simply disturbing housemates. Whatever the motives, the net result is the repression of a form of emotional expression, and this diminishes our ability to experience sensual ecstasy.
There are three important benefits to making some noise during sex:
You will feel more and experience greater depths of pleasure
You will provoke more arousal in your partner
You will help your partner learn how to please you even more
Let’s unpack this a bit more. Firstly, the quote above mentions “clogged energy”. This is likely to manifest as muscular tension, shallow breathing, and a lack of awareness of the sensation in your body. All of these things stand in the way of getting maximum enjoyment from physical intimacy. Next time you notice these symptoms, stand up and shake it out. Stretch your fingers towards the ceiling and breathe deeply, then exhale and lean forward so your fingers point towards the floor. Bounce around and shake your arms and legs, wriggle your fingers and toes, roll your head and neck and wag and relax your jaw. Relax. Scan your attention across your body and notice how much more relaxed it feels. You might also become aware of other sensations - perhaps a mild tingling sensation in parts of your body that just “woke up”? Take a few more deep breaths, and as you exhale, add a little voice to the breath. It will probably sound a little bit like a sigh of “Haaaaahhhhh”. Do a few more - nobody’s listening (unless you’re doing this on the train - you probably shouldn’t do this on the train…) You’ve just relaxed your body and your voice. Try to remember how you felt a few moments ago when you were still repressing your voice. When you notice that feeling again in the future, take a moment to stretch/shake/breathe and vocalise to unblock that energy.
Quick note to the blokes reading this:
Some of you have probably just thought to yourselves “WTF? I’m not going to make a fool of myself doing this hippie dippy shit. Just tell me the words to use.”
For readers who’ve not met me, I’m the bloke you bump into in the power tool aisle of the the hardware store on a Saturday morning, dressed in work boots and paint-stained work clothes. I’m more at home tinkering with a diesel engine than doing yoga. In fact, I can’t even sit cross-legged, let alone strike a pose!
Take it from me, this stuff works! You have nothing to lose by trying something new in the privacy of your own home, and like me, you may even discover that the best sex you’ve had in the past was actually mediocre compared to what’s actually possible!
~SM~
The Sound of Your Voice is As Important As the Words It Forms
What do you think is the most powerful, and often the most neglected erogenous zone?
If you answered “the mind”, you’re absolutely right. And one way to elicit arousal in your partner’s mind is to let them know how much they are arousing you! If you’re not yet comfortable with dirty talk, start with more primal sounds: sighs, moans and groans of pleasure can all be deeply erotic - in some cases even more so than actual words. Get into the habit of letting these sounds out while you’re with your partner. If that means a quick stretch/shake/breathe before getting intimate, go ahead and try it! You’ll almost certainly experience much more profound sensations with your partner after doing so.
Using Your Words To Describe What Your Feeling
The easiest way to begin talking during sex is to simply describe what you’re sensing. If you’re taking the active role in pleasuring your partner, slowly and quietly describe what you’re seeing, feeling or tasting. You can speak these words, or better yet whisper or growl them sensually in her ear. Remember, the sound of your voice is just as important, if not more so than the words you use.
Your skin is so soft…
Look at your pulse throbbing…
You are so wet…
If your partner is pleasuring you, you can still apply this technique. In this context, you might simply describe what you’re feeling.
That feels amazing
The feeling of your … against my … drives me wild
I love the feel of …
Ask For What You Want
If you’re normally non-verbal during sex, then you’re probably used to physically guiding (or being guided). There’s nothing wrong with physical guiding, but there is something deliciously sexy about expressing your desire verbally, either instead of, or in conjunction with physical guiding. Next time you want to change positions, or transition between activities, let your partner know with your words! Depending on the dynamics of your relationship this could be a request, an expression of desire, or a command.
Could you please do that thing I love???
I need to feel you on me now…
You have me so turned on. Now use your mouth!
Dirty Talk Doesn’t Have To Be Vulgar
Different people have different attitudes to language. Some people find vulgarity a turn-off no matter the contexts, some are triggered by specific words, and others find the same words a massive turn-on if the context is right. You will need to apply your own judgement based on your knowledge of your partner. If in doubt, ask them about it! And if you’re too shy to ask, start with the subtle approach of describing sensations and actions without explicitly referencing body parts or using vulgarity. (Aside from the opening quotation, you might notice that there is no explicit or vulgar language in this entire article, but there are plenty of examples of sexy things to say!) You can gradually dial up the explicitness of your language and gauge your partner’s response.
Dirty Talk and Degradation Are Very Different Things
Do not confuse dirty talk with degradation. Erotic degradation (name calling, commanding performance of degrading sexual acts, etc) can be a thrilling kink to explore, but it requires much more careful consideration and negotiation to ensure a mutually rewarding experience. Done poorly, erotic degradation can lead to emotional harm and serious damage to the relationship.
With this in mind, avoid calling your partner names or using any charged language describing your activity together that may cause unintended humiliation. Words like “slut” or “whore” are common examples often heard in porn. Remember that almost all porn is produced to appeal to male audiences, and only a subset of women who find erotic degradation arousing.
We’ll publish more on erotic humiliation and degradation in a future article, but in the meantime remember to ensure you have enthusiastic consent before exploring this type of play.
Keep Talking Even After The Main Event
Now that we’ve established that talking during sex is OK, remember to keep talking afterwards too! Ask each other what felt best, or how it feels when you use your words. If it felt good to you to use your words, tell your partner that too!
Whispering in your ear like that felt so hot! What was it like for you?
Do you like it when I use my voice more?
How do you like it when I tell you what I want?
Listen to your partner’s feedback and incorporate it into your routine for next time.
Foreplay With Words
You may wonder why foreplay comes at the end of this article… In the context of a relationship, foreplay can begin again as soon as sex ends. A few well-timed words letting your partner know that you want them sexually, or hinting at what you want to do with them, or how much you’re looking forward to having sex with them again is all it takes to elicit anticipation and reignite the cycle of arousal.
It’s the Perfect Time to Explore Fantasy!
Once you’re confident using your words in a sexual context, why not use them to explore erotic fantasy with your partner? Pillow talk after sex is a great time to do this, since you’re already in a sexy mood with a strong connection and lowered inhibitions.
Finding it Difficult To Talk Dirty or Be Dominant With Authenticity?
If you’ve only ever been a “gentle lover”, it can be a huge leap to become assertive in the bedroom and the incongruence of trying can spoil the mood. This article helps you to tap into your darker instincts to help you become more authentically assertive and explore concepts like this.
Let us know if you found this article useful!
Please “like” this article by clicking the ❤️ if you found it useful. This helps us to prioritise future topics to best serve your interests.
You can also join the conversation and share your tips and other feedback by leaving a comment below.