Should I Date a Single Mother?

A Childless Man's Perspective on Dating Women With Kids

Kids have never been part of my life plan. Throughout my twenties and thirties I held an ambivalent position on the topic, theorising that if my partner really wanted kids then I’d probably commit to it. My girlfriend at the time was considerably younger than me and had other priorities in life, so in the thirteen years we were together I never had cause to give the matter much more thought. My return to the dating scene in my mid-forties brought this question back into sharp focus when I realised that the majority of women in my age bracket either already had children or urgently wanted them.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Unintended Consequences & The Illusion of Choice

Like most new users of online dating apps, I treated the filter options like a takeway menu! Attitudes and preferences change according to our experience and life stage, and my ambivalence towards children had hardened into a firm resolve that I would not reprioritise what little spare time and energy I had, let alone give up any of my existing priorities, for the sake of fatherhood. I unhesitatingly ticked that box for “doesn’t have kids/doesn’t want kids” on every app I used!

After a few weeks of matches and some dates, some patterns started to emerge in relation to the characteristics of the child-free women with whom I matched:

• women with twenty years of dating history, but had never had a relationship last more then a year or two

• women who interpret “doesn’t want kids” as “doesn’t want kids until we’ve been together for at least six months”

• women who have experienced a long-term relationship, but not had kids, and who genuinely don’t intend to have kids in the future

Unfortunately, this last category also appeared to be the smallest. Whilst I wouldn’t rule out dating women from the first category, I do consider the complete lack of relationship success over such a long period as cause for extreme caution. The second category was a hard “no” for me - putting child-rearing ahead of my other goals until I retire was and still remains completely out of the question!

Despite the disappointing odds, I persevered with this approach and met some really interesting, successful, and well-adjusted women (and even some women with all three qualities!), but none of the chemistry that would inspire us to take things further.

There Are No Filters in Real Life Encounters

I first met N outside the context of match-making. We started chatting and before long we decided to meet in person. What little I thought I knew about her suggested that we would never match each other’s online dating filters! Nevertheless we agreed to meet, and four years later we are still together, complete with a house, a mortgage, and a dog. And her daughter…

What Changed?

N was perhaps unsurprisingly the strongest influence in softening my stance on kids, but not for the reason you might think… Many mothers I’ve met become all-consumed by their identity as a mother, allowing it to displace all other facets of their life, even after the child starts school. N balanced her roles as a mum, a career professional, and a single woman with finesse. Despite being immensely fond and proud of her daughter, she continued to enthusiastically pursue a variety of other interests, and reserved plenty of child-free time in her schedule. In other words, she was her own woman first, and motherhood just one of her responsibilities rather than what defined her.

Essential Considerations When Dating Women With Kids

Based on my experience, I encourage single men to keep an open mind to dating women with kids, but offer the following insights to help you make informed decisions.

Care Arrangements

A key contributing factor to the success of our relationship is the fact that N’s daughter splits her time equally between us and her father on a week on/week off basis. The week off provides us with regular child-free time to go out, socialise, or simply relax and unwind without the demands of a ten year old influencing our choices or disrupting our tranquility. Furthermore, the availability of grandparents and her father’s willingness to be flexible to swap an extra day now and then further simplifies the logistics when it’s not appropriate to have a child tag along.

Relationship with the Father(s)

If the father remains involved in the child’s life, your partner’s relationship with him can have some significant implications for your relationship:

1. A respectful, amicable relationship is ideal, and will avoid negativity or hostility that might emerge from one parent bad-mouthing the other in front of the child. This can also help maintain parity of expectations between households, which helps to ensure kids know the boundaries making them easier to live with! It also makes it easier to be flexible with the care arrangements if you can swap a few days now and then to accommodate holidays, special events, etc.

2. You need to be OK with the ongoing presence of your partner’s ex in her life! They will need to have many conversations that don’t include you as they negotiate the banalities of raising their child. You need the self-confidence to avoid becoming jealous or paranoid about your partner spending time with someone with whom she has more history than she does with you!

Role Expectations

Does your partner expect you to play the role of father to her child, or are you there exclusively as her spouse? Are you willing to act as baby-sitter when your partner needs to go out? Either way you will become a role model by default, and you must both be clear and comfortable with the expectation.

Similarly, what would be your obligation if something were to happen to your partner? As unlikely as this situation may seem, accidents and illnesses occur unexpectedly. Would there be an expectation that you become sole guardian of the children?

Authority & Disciplinary Expectations

Does your partner support your right as an adult in the household to assert authority over her kid(s)? Do you agree on the same expectations such as house rules, acceptable manners, and consequences for misbehaviour?

As someone who was raised with strict discipline both at home and at school, I tend to have a more authoritarian and less tolerant attitude than N does. Nevertheless, despite protestations in the moment when I call her out for unacceptable behaviour, N’s daughter has admitted to liking me despite my strict yet even-handed approach because I only chip her when she has actually done something to deserve it! In other words, you need not compromise your own expectations about what’s acceptable in your household to accommodate someone else’s kids. Just be clear about your own expectations, agree with your partner on reasonable consequences, and enforce them with fairness consistency.

Financial Expectations

How much are you willing to contribute to the cost of raising someone else’s child? Are you and your partner both aligned on these expectations? This is particularly important if you believe in pooling finances in joint accounts.

We are in the fortunate position of each having comfortable incomes, as does N’s ex, and there is never any question about the fact that her daughter’s expenses are N’s sole responsibility. Nevertheless, this could become a strong point of contention in a relationship with a significant wealth disparity between partners. Imagine a scenario where such a disparity exists. You have agreed that the child is her financial responsibility, but how do you then resolve a situation like a holiday? You might be perfectly willing to pay the extra to cover her costs to join you for a week of luxury in paradise, but are you also willing to pay even more for the child to join you too? If not, how will she feel about not including the child? What are the alternatives? As you can see, these situations can get very messy.

Social Circles

Just as child-free people tend to gravitate to each other, mums tend to form social networks with other mums sharing their experience. Who are your partner’s closest friends? If they all have kids about the same age as hers, you might be entering a situation where your social life becomes dominated by discussions about child-raising and school politics. In other words, just because you partner isn’t boring, don’t assume the same of her friends!

How Likeable Are the Kids?

Professor Jordan Peterson makes in interesting argument that a parent’s most important responsibility is to raise kids to be likeable. Allowing for the various behavioural phases that kids go through as they develop, you must consider whether you can bear to be trapped under the same roof, or the same car, or the same hotel room for extended periods of time with these particular specimens… Be honest with yourself. Once the dopamine head-rush of early romance fades, will you still be able to tolerate the antics of these kid(s)?

Life Stages - Yours and the Kids’

The final consideration to bear in mind in relation to dating women with kids is the relative life stages, and how the presence of these kids will influence your future. If you’re fifty and you date a woman with a two-year-old, are you really willing to wait until you’re seventy to enjoy the freedom of retirement? If you’re a career-minded 40-year-old with potential for an expat assignment overseas to advance your career, how will that fit with a woman who has kids in high-school working towards the exams that will determine their tertiary education prospects? Do the math and discuss your concerns with her before you go too far down this path.

Attention

All relationships involve an investment of attention. Each of us has a finite amount of attention which we must divide between our various priorities: day-to-day essentials of living, work, health, socialising, etc. Parents need to devote a considerable proportion of their attention to their kids. Observe how your prospective partner divides her attention. Consider how many couples’ relationships break down after having children. It is not uncommon for parents to become so invested in their children and their work that they no longer have enough attention to sustain the spark in their own relationship. This may sound cynical, but is she able to invest enough attention into the relationship to satisfy your expectations? Her child will always be her first priority, at least until they gain their own independence as an adult, so you must be OK with all implications this brings.

Masculine Energy

At first this might seem counterintuitive, but raising children brings out a lot of masculine energy in mothers, and possibly even more so in mothers who bear the majority or even exclusive responsibility for raising their children. If you’re unsure of what I mean by masculine or feminine energy, read this before proceeding.

Masculinity: Part 1 - Have You Actually Become A Man Yet?

In addition to the essentially feminine aspects of nurturing children, mums must take care of all manner of logistical and disciplinary challenges. If you’re conscious of sexual energies, you will quite likely notice a considerable difference in the energy between you the first time you see her in “mother” mode when previously you’ve only experienced the “lover” in her. Motherhood is not the only influence that brings out more masculine energy. Various life events, work pressures, environmental factors and innate character traits all influence our day-to-day balance of masculine and feminine energies. The level of masculine energy you bring to your interaction with her will also play a part. Nevertheless the unrelenting demands of motherhood will likely draw her into a masculine energy state far more often than you may be accustomed to, and the more time someone spends in that state, the longer it seems to take to relax back into the pure feminine energy state. Pay attention to this phenomenon and manage your expectations accordingly.

No Shame in Informed Decisions

Only you can make a complete assessment as to how you will handle the considerations we’ve discussed, and whether you are willing to accept the inevitable compromises that children force upon a new relationship. You have a responsibility to yourself to prioritise your own well-being - nobody else will do this for you. I encourage you to keep an open mind by not automatically disqualifying a prospective partner just because she is also a mum. On the other hand, I also urge you to think very carefully about the topics we’ve raised so that you can make a firm, well-informed decision about your willingness to pursue the relationship as quickly as possible.

Above a certain age, restricting your dating pool to child-free women will complicate your chances of meeting an excellent match, but they are still out there! On the other hand, pursuing a relationship with a woman who cannot live up to your expectations about the priority of your relationship and life plans will lead not only to disappointment for the two of you, but also disappointment and disruption to her kids. Do not feel obliged by social pressure to compromise your life plans to accommodate women who have made their own life choices that do not align with yours. Do, however, be clear about your own expectations from a relationship and when the time comes to consider serious commitment, be up front with prospective partners about these matters.