Masculinity: Part 1 - Have You Actually Become A Man Yet?
Understanding The Essence of Healthy Masculinity & How to Cultivate It
Men, ask yourself the question: “Deep down, how certain are you that you feel you have already become a man?” That question may appear redundant, but I can assure you that many of us have struggled to answer it with confidence, even with several decades of life experience behind us. Despite cruising past life’s milestones of puberty, leaving home, dating and relationships, triumphs and heartbreaks, career progression, and even parenthood, many men still recognise something in the character of other men that they have yet to develop in order to comfortably declare themselves “fully grown men”.
This phenomenon can be particularly apparent in the dating scene, where these “fully actualised” men appear to have a natural advantage in terms of attracting women. In my experience, what we’re really discussing here is the concept of masculinity, and the polar attraction it creates with femininity. Having a sound understanding of the nuances of masculinity will help you both to understand the dynamics of sexual relationships and attraction and to make yourself more attractive to women. In this series we will explore the concepts of masculinity & femininity and guide you through techniques for cultivating masculinity.
What is Masculine Energy?
This concept is not new. Carl Jung extensively explored the archetypes of masculinity and femininity in his work, but the concepts long pre-date him. These archetypes appear in many ancient cultures across the globe dating back well before the Christian era. It may seem unfashionable today to dwell on the essential differences between the ways men and women are wired, but understanding the nuances of masculinity and femininity is fundamental to maximising both the depth and the longevity of sexual attraction.
Have you ever wondered why “bad boys” seem to have more success attracting women than “nice guys”? It’s not because women are attracted to bad behaviour, but rather because they are willing to excuse the bad behaviour in exchange for the primal feelings these men evoke. For want of a better definition, we’ll refer to the quality that evokes these feelings as “masculine energy”.
You can think of this phenomenon of attraction as being equivalent to magnetic attraction. For the purpose of illustration, let’s imagine that feminine energy is the South Pole and masculine energy is the North. The South Pole is attracted to a piece of iron with no magnetic charge (a man with equal parts masculine and feminine energy), but it is attracted to the North Pole of another magnet (intense masculinity of the “bad boy”) with twice the intensity. Conversely, the South Pole is repelled by the South Pole of other magnets (men with excessive feminine energy).
Everyone has a mix of both masculine and feminine energy about them. The proportions vary between individuals, but generally speaking, the balance in women skews towards the feminine, and the balance in men skews towards the masculine. Assuming our intent as men is to maximise our attractiveness to feminine women, there are steps we can take to nurture and strengthen our masculine energy, and thereby enhance this polarising effect.
How We Perceive Masculine and Feminine Energy
We can observe the presence of masculine and feminine energy in the subtle ways in which people behave. The clues lie not so much in what they do, as in how they do it.
Consider the descriptions in the following table, and make up your own mind which column corresponds to signs of masculine vs feminine energy before reading further. Don’t worry if you disagree with the placement of a few labels: you can always find men and women who resemble both columns. We’re simply exploring the generalisations of the archetypes of masculinity and femininity.
Column A Column B Decisive Dreamy Action-oriented Communication-oriented Assertive Agreeable Self-reliant Dependant Rational Emotional Providing Cherishing Protecting Care-giving Competing Nurturing Rational Emotional Problem Solving Supportive Practical Imaginative Disciplined Flexible Mentally centred Empathetic
Did you identify Column A as signs of masculine energy and Column B as feminine? That’s not to say that men who are naturally talkative or expressive (or any of the other Column B descriptors) are not sexually attractive to feminine women. It all comes down to balance, and provided they possess other qualities that radiate masculine energy they can achieve the polarisation discussed above.
It is probably no coincidence that the characteristics associated with masculine energy closely relate to a man’s ability to compete and survive. Willingness and competence to engage in conflict, self-reliance, decisiveness, tendency towards action, ability to maintain rationality under conditions of emotional tension may all have evolutionary origins in the suitability of a man to ensure the safety and physical welfare of his family.
“Alpha” behaviour Does Not Represent Masculinity
Do not confuse healthy masculinity with “alpha” behaviour. Self-aggrandisement, overt dominance of perceived rivals, and other prominent displays of exaggerated masculinity often bely the insecurity of the man responsible. This is typically a man who is so afraid of challenges to his ego that he must constantly lash out to deter others. Bear in mind that a man with true power has no need to brandish it.
A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very, very dangerous man who has that under voluntary control
Dr J. Peterson
Knowing how to hold one’s own in conflict with other men and being comfortable with his ability to engage in violence if necessary changes the way a man carries himself. Comparing it to the animal kingdom, it is similar to the difference in behaviour between prey animals and predators. There is no need to flaunt this ability, simply possessing it is enough to develop the attractively masculine bearing it yields. Women describe this as the comfort of knowing their man will not hesitate to step into physical conflict if necessary to ensure her safety, and that he has the ability to prevail. On the other hand, an emotionally mature woman has no interest in seeing her man engage in violence (other than in the sports arena) without extreme provocation.
Common Misunderstanding of Stoicism
The phrase “toxic masculinity” gathered so much media coverage in 2019 that you could be forgiven for starting to perceive masculinity as a socially undesirable quality. Sensationalism, outrage culture and social media activism undermined any nuance of the crucially important discussion about the ideals of character to which men should aspire.
Since the early twentieth century, generations of boys have grown up following the example of fathers and grandfathers who survived the horrendous adversity and trauma of global conflict. Apart from the occasional factual summary of their deployments or quirky anecdotes, these veterans tended not to talk about their experiences except among themselves. Whether they feared the trauma and emotion of the horrors of war would overwhelm them, or they wanted to protect their families from sharing the burden of their trauma, they did their best to put it behind them and get on with life.
What does an impressionable young man learn when his most influential role model hides any sign of emotional suffering? Bear in mind that these boys also spent a disproportionate proportion of their childhood under the care of women. It’s therefore not surprising if they formed a perception of a strict dichotomy of masculine and feminine traits. Women appeared emotionally expressive (and thereby weak), caring, nurturing, and sympathetic. Men, on the other hand, were duty-bound, unafraid, and never revealed vulnerability (and therefore strong).
A parent’s best effort to be a good role model for their children depends entirely on their own upbringing and the wisdom they’ve gleaned from life so far. It’s easy to understand how generations of fathers and sons have handed down this interpretation of masculinity, and misconstrued this emotional restraint of their veteran forebears as Stoicism.
A Healthier View of Masculinity
The key to healthy masculinity is to strike the right balance between desirable masculine traits, and also between masculine and feminine qualities. There is no specific ideal: most men have some feminine qualities, just as most women have some masculine qualities. Consequently, some women are attracted to men with more feminine qualities, whereas others are attracted to those with more masculine tendencies.
The yin yang symbol elegantly represents this balance: within each there is part of the other, and the two blend together in harmony, each flowing into the other in an infinite cycle.
The Unpleasant Dimension of Masculinity
In their healthy, balanced form both femininity and masculinity are attractive, desirable qualities. However both “energies” can be corrupted by misunderstanding of societal expectations and through traumatic experiences. It is important to keep these in mind as characteristics to avoid.
In the case of masculinity, we sometimes hear of “toxic masculinity” or “the wounded masculine”. Toxic masculinity generally refers to attitudes and behaviours common to men who misunderstand what society expects of their behaviour as men.
Some typical examples include:
Overt displays of machismo, possibly extending to misogyny and bullying less macho men.
Perceiving emotional vulnerability as weakness to be concealed
Avoiding seeking help when it is needed, especially medical care or emotional support
These attitudes and behaviours can easily propagate among adolescents and younger, more impressionable men who lack the wisdom and experience to recognise the nuance of the more virtuous aspects of masculinity, and are eager to be seen to be keeping up with their peers.
The Wounded Masculine is a different form of corruption of masculinity. In addition to an underlying tone of insecurity and shallow self-esteem, this condition is often characterised by:
Mindset of victimhood - he feels oppressed and has no sense of agency to change his circumstance
Feelings of impotence related to the aforementioned lack of agency, possibly boiling over into unjustified fits of rage
Passive aggressive behaviour, as he lacks the confidence to directly confront those who he perceives as transgressors
Seeks external validation and attention, especially from women, because he has no grounded sense of purpose and self-worth in the context of relationships
Displays anger or resentment to the world, unaware that in doing so the world reflects his negativity back towards him and perpetuates the cycle
Loneliness and isolation, fixating on desire for female attention, and neglecting the importance of maintaining healthy supportive relationships with other men.
Comes across as needy in his relationships with women, largely due to his insatiable need for attention and validation.
Preview of Part 2
In the next article we’ll delve into the concept of “Dark Masculine Energy” and explore strategies for deliberately cultivating the desirable qualities of masculinity that women find attractive. Meanwhile, reflect on your interactions with other people throughout the week. Try to identify the qualities of masculinity and femininity that drive them to do what they do and influence they way they conduct themselves. Also reflect on your own thoughts and actions. Which aspects of your character might you deliberately seek to improve in order to achieve greater fulfilment in your journey through life?
