Sexual Attitudinal Maturity: How Do You Measure Up?
An objective guide to gauging and enhancing your maturity in the context of sexual relationships
Considering the importance of sex to most of our lives, our culture has a perversely backward attitude to it! We don’t talk about, we’re secretive about it and find it embarrassing. Furthermore, when it comes to sex, we only teach younger generations what not to do, and nothing about how to do it well.
This leads to generations of young men and women pursuing intimate liaisons fuelled by hormones without any real understanding of how to select and connect with mates who are well-matched. When they do manage to connect, they must contend with the uncomfortable reality that their void of sexual knowledge has been filled by whatever perverse lessons they take from seeing porn. The net result is a wide spectrum of attitudes and enlightenment across men and women of all ages, which tends to skew to the lower end of the scale. And that means that most of us are only experiencing mediocre sex, and thinking it’s as good as it gets!
Apart from missing out on amazing sex, it’s also worth noting that sexual confidence tends to be a highly attractive quality, particularly to more sexually enlightened women. It’s difficult to be sexually confident if you have a naive attitude to sex.
Let’s find out where you fall on this spectrum.
For each of the following questions, give yourself a mark as follows: Yes: 1 Maybe/Sometimes: 0 No: -1
Be honest. If in doubt about any answers, rephrase the question to begin with “Do I often …”
Are you confident talking to strangers about sexual topics in a social context?
Are you confident expressing sexual attraction/desire to a potential new romantic partner?
Are you confident explicitly asking a partner for their consent to sexual activity?
Are you confident expressing sexual desire / asking for sex with an existing intimate partner?
Are you confident asking a sexual partner to do specific things to please you?
Are you confident asking a sexual partner what they would like you to do differently to please them?
Are you confident discussing the realm of sexual fantasy with a partner?
Are you confident exploring the realm of sexual fantasy (i.e. enacting fantasy / role play) with a sexual partner?
Do you fully understand the appeal of kink/BDSM/dominance/submission/fantasy to people who practise it?
Do you believe that kink/BDSM/dominance/submission/fantasy represents a healthy, positive form of interaction between consenting adults?
How did you score?
Share your score in the poll below (I promise it’s anonymous, and I’ll even share my results with you in just a moment.)
Just between the two of us, if I’d completed that quiz in my twenties I would have scored about -8! I had some sexual experience from a few brief relationships, but in hindsight I had a terribly immature attitude to sex until I reached my late thirties, and even then I would have only rated about -2. It wasn’t until reaching my mid-forties and going through the crucible of returning to the dating scene after so many years in long term relationships that things changed for me. After so many years of ignorance, finally recognised the shame I carried in relation to sex and actively sought out the knowledge and insight to raise my understanding and attitude to sex to where it stands today (I currently score 8).
How Can You Improve Your Score?
The first step to building sexual confidence and maturity for most people is to increase their understanding of sex and their ability to communicate about it.
If you approach discussions about sex with confidence and respect, you’ll tend to find other people enjoy joining the conversation and sharing their perspectives. I’ve found that talking about the problem that “most of what men think they know about sex they learn from watching porn” leads to some fascinating conversations, and that women tend to be quite enthusiastic about sharing their perspectives on what they want from their lovers.
Keep in mind that you can build confidence through knowledge as well as practice, and in this context we’re really focusing on attitudes rather than practical abilities. In other words, don’t think that you need to go out and have a lot of sex in order to maximise your attitudinal maturity! Instead, focus on learning and communicating and keeping an open mind.
Kink is a perfect example of this. The first time I encountered a BDSM demonstration I was mildly surprised by the level of arousal a woman achieved through having her back and buttocks flogged, but couldn’t comprehend the emotional experience the players were enjoying. I mistakenly presumed that this woman was just “wired differently”, and that the person doing the flogging was probably somehow broken. How little I knew! It wasn’t until I challenged the limits of my comfort zone by attending a seminar on kink & BDSM that the penny dropped. By listening to the teachers and asking a bunch of questions, I finally saw past the blatant physicality of the scene and understood the deep emotional and psychological experiences that were playing out between the players. As the realisation of understanding crystallised in my mind, it suddenly shifted my attitude towards these aspects of sex in a way I never anticipated. (In quiz terms: I flipped from -1 for each of 9 and 10 to +1 in the course of an afternoon lecture).
If all of this seems a bit daunting to you, take it in baby steps. Start by having a conversation about sex with a trusted friend. Of course that will feel out of character, but you have an easy starting point: “I read this article in a newsletter the other day, and it talked about sexual confidence and communication. It made me realise nobody ever really talks about sex, so how are we supposed to know what our partners actually want? To what extent do you discuss sexual things with your partner?”
If you’re ready to start having this conversation with a current partner, you can bring it up when she’s already aroused. “Tell me where you want to be touched!” “What can I do that would drive you wild right now?” Delivered with confident eye contact and a subtle smile, these types of requests can be sexy in themselves, and they break the ice to give your partner permission to really communicate with you.
If you’re ready to get more advanced, try following the tips from this article:
