Rituals of Courtship - Escalation
The Graceful Progression From "Hello" to a Kiss
The relationship might begin with conversation, but how do we progress from conversation to kissing? Some people seem to intuitively understand this process, but the rest of us seem doomed to awkwardly and clumsily attempt to escalate intimacy, constantly terrified of the prospects of embarrassment and rejection.
Before reading further, please answer this question:
If you ticked the first box, you have either had a great mentor, or you are one of the very few to whom this comes naturally. The rest of us tend to fall somewhere on the spectrum of other answers, meaning we tend to feel powerless to steer these initial social interactions to a desirable outcome.
Some of the alternate strategies we attempt include:
Using alcohol (or other substance) to lower inhibitions and build courage to “go for it”.
Prolonging conversation as long as possible until it becomes necessary to part ways, followed by a clumsy embrace / kiss goodbye.
Waiting in the hope that the other person to initiate the kiss.
When I first started exploring this issue, I was astonished at the number of men I polled who admitted that if it weren’t for alcohol, they probably wouldn’t have had the nerve to “seal the deal” with their significant other. If mature adults struggle with this, is it really surprising that teenagers encounter so many horrible experiences when hormones and alcohol collide?
How to get from “hello” to the kiss?
Upon re-entering the dating scene in my forties, I was confronted with the fact that I really didn’t know how to tell if a woman was actually interested in me, let alone how to gracefully escalate from conversation to intimacy. I enlisted the help of a dating coach with the request that he “help me to see the Matrix”. I had a hunch that there were a stack of social cues that I was missing, and I wanted to be able to recognise them, understand them, and ultimately become comfortable working with them to eliminate the anxiety and awkwardness that I felt when navigating dating and relationships.
Fortunately, there is a simple ritual that we can all follow to eliminate the fear and bring grace to this essential phase of the relationship.
Fearless Escalation of Intimacy
You’re both enjoying your conversation, she has revealed dozens of insights about her life and her values in response to your open questions, and you can feel the rapport building. What comes next?
There are five steps to gracefully escalate from conversation to kissing:
Build rapport through conversation
Break the physical barrier with social touch
Reduce physical distance as comfort builds
Build tension
Release tension with kiss / intimate touch
Step 1: Conversation
We’ve already covered conversation skills here:
Until you master that step, it can be very difficult to move beyond it, as the entirety of your attention will be consumed trying to keep the conversation flowing long enough to build rapport. This creates the impression that you are “stuck in your own head” or distracted, which is not a great start for building rapport. If this describes your situation, keep practising those conversation skills at every opportunity (i.e. with everyone you can speak with, not just people you find attractive) until the process becomes habitual.
Step 2: Social Touch
Touch is an essential tool both for developing and gauging intimacy. As attraction and comfort build, so too does our desire for physical contact with the other person. Furthermore, physical contact with someone we like causes the release of oxytocin, the hormone that makes us feel connected to someone. Combining the desire and reward, touch becomes an important part of the “dance” of courtship.
Let’s refer to the first phase of touch as “social touch”: i.e. deliberate momentary touch of the outer shoulder or upper arm, either to regain the person’s attention or to emphasise a point of conversation. (Scientific research1 provides very clear insight into the body parts that are “appropriate” for social touch. Hands (e.g. for handshake), upper arms and shoulders are the only zones that most women do not consider “creepy” to be touched by an acquaintance).
Overcoming Tactile Jitters
If you’re not a particularly tactile person, and touching someone during conversation feels awkward, then it’s time to overcome that obstacle! Just as you developed the habit of actually speaking with and making genuine connections with the people you encounter in your daily life, you can apply the same method to “social touch”. In fact, by introducing social touch to your interactions with other men, you’ll probably also create the appearance of being more confident, and perhaps even strengthen your rapport with your male friends.
Back to the role of touch in the escalation of intimacy… By introducing appropriate touch to the conversation, you break the invisible barrier that exists between all of us until that first contact, making it easier for the other person to reciprocate by touching you too. You also gain some insight into how they might feel about physical contact with you: if they flinch or recoil from you, chances are that they do not find you attractive and should probably move on. If they don’t react, but remain in conversation with you, consider it an invitation to continue building rapport. And if they reciprocate by touching you back, it’s quite likely that they find you attractive and are becoming comfortable with your presence.
Continue to punctuate the conversation with little touches here and there as you move through the next steps. Also pay attention to the touches you receive in return. Women will often reciprocate in surprising ways, such as with playful swats or punches, especially in response to good-natured teasing or flirtatious conversation.
Step 3: Proximity
Have you ever considered what the term “personal space” actually means? One way to think of personal space is as an invisible bubble or force field surrounding the body. When another person crosses this boundary, we feel a sense of discomfort or unease. The size of the bubble and the magnitude of this sensation are proportional to the intimacy of your relationship with the other person2. As rapport grows, we become increasingly more comfortable being in close proximity. When rapport compounds with attraction, we find ourselves craving physical proximity with the other person.
We must also keep in mind that entering someone’s personal space uninvited can be perceived as threatening, and will quickly kill any chance of building further rapport. This is especially the case when you approach someone directly from the front. Approaching diagonally and positioning yourself to the side may be less threatening, as you’re not blocking their way (or their escape route).
In order to escalate from conversation to kissing we first need to build comfort with proximity. Just like building trust, this is a process that takes time. Think about a situation where you are introduced to a woman for the first time. You almost certainly maintain a respectful distance, and perhaps offer a handshake by way of greeting. As the conversation flows and rapport builds, you might find yourselves sitting together with a little less separation. If rapport continues to grow, social touch is exchanged more frequently, and either or both of you are likely to close the distance between you, either by moving closer or at least leaning into the conversation. Over time it starts to feel comfortable, or even thrilling to be in close proximity.
Whether this process happens over the course of one meeting or several separate encounters, the important point is that comfort with proximity is an important step towards intimacy. Just as with touch, we can also use proximity as a means for testing rapport and our partners’s receptiveness to intimacy. If you reduce the distance between you and she shows signs of discomfort, you’d best pull back and continue working on the rapport.
Step 4: Build Tension
If you’ve already been exchanging touch and closing the physical gap between you, you are almost certainly already building tension! Tension is the positive anticipation of intimacy in response primarily to the non-verbal cues you’ve been exchanging. It is the unspoken promise that this little ritual of courtship that you have been sharing will lead to something thrilling.
Knowing exactly when to build tension and when to act on it comes with experience, but the first step is to become mindful of its existence and learn how to shape it. You must also be aware of the difference between any nervousness you may feel about escalating intimacy and the tension that you share together.
To gauge the presence of mutual tension, look out for the following cues:
Eye contact
you’re both holding it for more than three seconds
holding eye contact throughout a lull in conversation is an even stronger sign
Touch
She touches you (platonically) throughout the conversation
Her touch lingers a little longer
Proximity
You’re within her intimate space “bubble”, and she is comfortable with you being there
You can work with these three cues to help shape the tension, as well as applying a couple more techniques described below:
Eye contact
Smile and look deeply into her eyes, holding her gaze a little longer than you usually would. (Be sure to smile - otherwise this can feel very intimidating!)
Once you’re confident the tension is strong, lower your gaze to her lips for a couple of seconds before returning to her eyes. This often happens subconsciously when we want to kiss someone, doing it deliberately signals this desire.
Lingering touch
As you continue to apply social touch, let your touch linger a couple of seconds longer.
Maybe you touch her hand to emphasise a point in a story, and wait an extra beat or two to let go.
Or perhaps you’re hugging her goodbye, and you hold her just a couple of seconds longer than you would “just for a friend”.
Close the gap
Reduce the physical distance between you until you’re almost, or even actually touching.
This might be as simple as allowing your knee to rest against hers as you sit close together, or leaning in to whisper a playfully conspiratorial secret or joke to her ear.
When the tension is mutually high, and she is wanting you to kiss her as much as you want to kiss her, this almost becomes a tease: “why is he leaning in? Are we finally going to kiss?” The anticipation only amplifies the tension further.
Draw her closer with your voice
Slow down your speech and allow the volume and tone of your voice to lower - almost to a whisper
Notice how you feel in her presence
What is it about her that catches your attention? Take a moment to allow yourself to become fully mindful of the desire she evokes in you.
Notice the physical characteristics of her appearance - her eyes, her smile, her hair, her physique, her sense of style - whatever it is that you find alluring.
Perhaps her voice is music to your ears - revel in it.
Does her perfume or the scent of her hair conditioner make you want to inhale deeply and savour it?
Most women crave being desired deeply by a man, and actually taking a moment to silently acknowledge the desire you feel will help you manifest the subconscious non-verbal cues that she will notice and sense you as a prospective romantic interest. In fact, if she calls you out on becoming distracted, just be honest and tell her what you noticed and how it affected you, but keep it light and fun: “I’m sorry, I just caught a whiff of your perfume and it left me completely distracted… now where were we???”
Step 5: Release the Tension
Make your movements slow and deliberate. When the time feels right to act on the tension, move slowly and deliberately towards her for the kiss or a more intimate touch. In addition to giving her the chance to deflect your advance if she is not yet comfortable, rushing at this point can convey the notion that you are desperate for sexual intimacy, rather than confidently savouring the moment and attraction you feel for her. Even after you escalate to kissing and more intimate touch, exercising restraint and taking things slowly will help to preserve if not amplify the tension even further rather than bursting it in a spectacular anti-climax.
Share Your Experiences!
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Have you experienced a particularly smooth escalation of intimacy? Or perhaps one so disastrous that in hindsight it seems comical! Please share with the community in the comments below.
Suvilehto et al., Topography of social touching depends on emotional bonds between humans, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, https://www.pnas.org/doi/abs/10.1073/pnas.1521810112
Study of this phenomenon falls in the field of proxemics: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proxemics
Solid article. If only I had this when I was in college