How to Explore Erotic Fantasy
Strategies to Overcome Awkwardness, Unlock Desire, and Spice Things Up In The Bedroom
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Humans are creatures of habit, and the longer a relationship lasts, the more we tend to reinforce those habits and the expectations they create. If you haven’t already created the habit of having frank, open and explicit conversations about sex and fantasy, suddenly broaching the subject can feel awkward, if not impossible. By the same token, if you were raised in a sexually repressed culture where matters of sex and intimacy were considered taboo, you may initially balk at the idea talking about play and fantasy, let alone actually exploring these topics. And even if you have a progressive, sex-positive mindset, it takes two to tango: you need to consider how best to raise the topic with your partner to avoid them reflexively dismissing the idea out of shame or embarrassment.
First things first, let’s understand what fantasy is. According to Wikipedia:
fan·ta·sy | \ ˈfan-tə-sē , -zē \
In psychology, fantasy is a broad range of mental experiences, mediated by the faculty of imagination in the human brain, and marked by an expression of certain desires through vivid mental imagery. Fantasies are associated with scenarios that are absolutely impossible.
If fantasies are absolutely impossible, what’s the point in exploring them? Fantasies can provide a window into desires that we repress, usually because they involve behaviour or experiences that are unacceptable to polite society. It is our subconscious that secretly wants to feel the effects of this experience, but our rational mind simply dismisses it out of shame or morality.
Now just because the events of a fantasy might be immoral or even illegal if they were to happen in real life, it doesn’t necessarily follow that simulating the events among consenting adults crosses these lines. In many, if not most instances, we can satisfy these subconscious desires without causing any harm.
Imagine a fantasy of visiting a bar alone while travelling for work. A sexy stranger across the room catches your eye and smiles seductively, leaving no doubt about what she has in mind. You have the barman take her a drink, and he returns a few minutes later with a room key. She leaves the bar, while you finish your drink, tip the barman, and make your way to her room…
That’s a pretty improbable scenario in real life, and acting on it could go against your values of fidelity or propriety just to name two. Nevertheless, it’s extremely easy for a consenting couple to act this out and experience the thrill of imagining it to be real.
How to Broach the Topic?
Depending on your relationship and your attitude to sex and sexuality, this can be very challenging. Let’s set out a simple process to raise the topic of sexual fantasy without shame or embarrassment.
1. Start with a third person perspective
E.g. “I read this article about relationships on sub stack, and it covered some really interesting topics about how fantasy can reignite passion between couples”. This lets you gauge your partners reaction and calibrate how direct you can be with subsequent lines of conversation.
Discussing these topics in relation to an imaginary third person whose interests mirror yours might also give you the comfort of being able to raise possibly contentious fantasies or desires without risking the embarrassment of asking directly. E.g. I heard about this guy who acted out this fantasy of meeting a hot stranger in a bar… if your partner finds the fantasy titillating, it’s a fairly easy progression to inviting them to participate in something similar.
You may be surprised - during my research for 41 Things Women Wished Their Lovers Knew, many of the respondents indicated a desire for their partners to open up to them about their fantasies so that they could make them a reality.
2. Acknowledge that fantasy does not correlate with virtue or conscious intent
Discuss the concepts of fantasy described above to ensure your partner understands, and knows that you understand, that just because the subconscious imagined a fantasy, there is no suggestion that the conscious mind would consider making it a reality. This is particularly important with regard to fantasies that involve taboo subjects such as non-consensual acts, age-play, degradation, humiliation etc.
3. Watch a movie together that involves sexual fantasy.
It need not be explicit. One of my favourite movies about fantasy and fetishes is an Australian comedy titled The Little Death. Aside from providing a few good laughs, this movie provides a light-hearted opener for beginning to discuss sexual fantasy and fetishes.
4. Start sharing
For this conversation to have any meaning, sooner or later at least one of you will have to be vulnerable and divulge your deep dark fantasies. Once you reach that territory, you will need some additional tips to make the most of it! See the next section for more details.
5. Make a date!
Assuming your partner is eager to explore with you, you will probably both need some time to prepare. You may need time to coordinate the logistics, clothing, props, or simply to think through the scene you are about to produce. Take your time and attend to the details. A little planning make the difference between comical and mind-blowing when it comes to acting out a fantasy!
Ignore the Headlines, Focus on the Feelings
If you’ve seen “The Little Death”, you’ll have at least some idea of how difficult it can be to simulate a fantasy in real life! A surprisingly common sexual fantasy among women is the rape fantasy. At face value, most men are taken aback by this revelation. Our mind jumps immediately to something along the lines of the brutish, sweaty prison escapee abducting an attractive woman off the street, bundling her into the back of his panel van, and taking her to an abandoned factory in the middle of nowhere to have his way with her without any regard for her welfare. Whilst this may be appealing to a particularly niche group of women, when you dig a little deeper you’ll find that it’s not what most have in mind when they think “rape fantasy”!
Remember the part about fantasies being impossible? Here is where that comes into play. When your partner tells you their fantasy, you must not jump to logical conclusions about what they’re referring to. Instead, ask them to describe how it might unfold, and how it would feel. In the case of the rape fantasy, when you go deeper you're likely to find that it plays out very differently:
Instead of the brutish escaped felon, the man is a handsome stranger. He is so handsome he could ultimately seduce any woman of his choosing, but he is so overcome by his attraction to this woman that he cannot control himself.
Instead of the creepy stolen panel van, her abductor is driving a fancy sports car
He still takes her to a secluded location, but instead the dirty abandoned factory, it’s a beautiful romantic spot.
On this particular day she just happens to be wearing her finest lingerie under her activewear.
In addition to satisfying his own lust, he pays particular attention to satisfying her as well.
…
In other words, if you were to simply take her proclamation of entertaining a fantasy about rape at face value without exploring the nuance, and then attempted to act out that fantasy, you would most likely end up causing her lifelong trauma rather than lasting memories! Take the time to understand what your partner fantasises experiencing and feeling. Only then can you hope to create any semblance of the experience in real life.
Boundaries and Consent
Since many fantasies include non-consensual situations, it is absolutely essential that you clearly negotiate the boundaries of any experience you intend to enact. The topic of consensually acting out non-consensual scenarios can be very confusing, so if you’re new to this you need to take it slowly and understand what’s OK and what’s not. This all boils down to extensive communication beforehand, as well as having a clearly-defined agreement about how to interrupt the play if either party finds they are not enjoying it.
The BDSM community commonly indulge in role-plays involving power exchange, and rely on the use of a safe word to halt play and revert control to the submissive partner. This practice is especially effective when consensually acting out non-consensual fantasy, as it allows the submissive partner to struggle and cry “no” in character without putting an end to the play. If either partner really wants to halt to the proceedings, they simply speak their safe word. The role-play stops instantly and the two players check in with each other to mutually decide whether to stop entirely or simply make an adjustment to steer the experience back down a more pleasurable path. Choose a safe word that you wouldn’t normally use in the context of the scene: some folks use completely incongruent words like “pineapple”, others use words like “mercy” which has the benefit of not completely breaking the spell of the scenario, while not being common enough to be used inadvertently during play.
Even with these precautions in place, misunderstandings and missteps can arise in these situations. It is best to avoid consensual non-consent altogether unless you have a very well-established relationship with your partner that leaves no doubt about your empathy and compassion for each other. On the other hand, most other fantasies are unambiguously consensual and lend themselves to exploration within the context of relationships new and old. You just require an open mind, adventurous spirit and the confidence to discuss your desires with your partner.
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Thanks for all of your work this subject here and elsewhere. I don’t know if you are familiar with Doctor Radio on SiriusXM but they have a sexual health show that can address these notions with maturity. It’s been a life changer for me.