Brace for Reentry: Returning to Dating in Your Forties or Fifties - Part 1 of 2
Tips For Mature Aged Men Returning To The Dating Scene
If you’re just now returning to the dating scene after a long absence you’re probably finding it a serious shock to the system! Everything has changed: dating apps proliferate, dating customs and expectations have shifted, and the people you seek to date have changed. This can seem very confusing at first, but bear with us and we’ll hopefully help you make sense of your new situation.
First some good news: since women generally tend to date men the same age or older than themselves, the age range of women who may consider dating you has grown much wider since you were last single! Fancy dating another twenty-something when you’re in your forties? That happens all the time. (Whether you can make it last is a different question altogether. Have you heard the type of music twenty-somethings like to listen to? 🤣)
Now the reality-check: since twenties to thirties is when most men and women tend to settle into long term relationships1 there are not as many potential candidates of any given age. On the other hand, forties and fifties are a common age bracket for both men and women to move on from long term relationships that have run their course, so the pickings aren’t as slim as you might otherwise imagine.
Kids
If you haven’t been single since your twenties, one of the first changes to contend with is children. If you have your own, this will come as no surprise. If you’re not already a parent, you need to prepare yourself for the fact that:
many, if not most women in the “mature” dating scene already have children, and
many of those who do not already have kids carry a strong sense of urgency to settle down with a man who will give her kids ASAP
(In Australia, before age 34, more than 70% of women expect to have children, and 1 in 4 carries that expectation beyond age 35)2
This adds an unfamiliar dimension to the dynamics of dating, and it’s important to decide where you stand on the idea of having kids, and to be up front about it fairly early in the dating process.
Assuming that you’re OK with dating a woman with kids of her own, you will also need to accept that she probably has some form of ongoing relationship with their father. It’s great if this is the case - a cordial relationship between parents is beneficial for the kids and for your convenience as a couple! On the other hand, this situation can provoke feelings of insecurity in less confident men. If that describes you, it’s probably best you work on your self-esteem and self-confidence before getting too involved with single mums.
You’ll also need to be clear about the level of investment (emotional and financial) that she expects of you in relation to her kids. There is no shame in establishing firm boundaries in this regard. Whilst it’s reasonable to expect that you will treat her children with kindness and compassion and to act as a decent role model, there is no mandatory requirement for you to automatically assume the emotional and financial responsibilities of a father figure. In most cases this situation will evolve in accordance with the relationship you build with her kids, and if in time you find yourself wanting to invest more in them, that’s up to you. Just be clear in the early stages about what you each expect when it comes to kids.
In the case of dating a woman who doesn’t yet have kids but wants her own before time runs out, this can create some very peculiar pressure on the relationship. If you are also intent on having children, you may find this appealing. On the other hand, if you’re the kind of man who is ambivalent about kids and prefers to defer that decision until the relationship is well established, you need to be up front about this even thought might disqualify you as a prospect for her.
Online Dating
Online dating has lost whatever stigma it carried when it first emerged and for many people has become the default way of meeting new partners. It’s important to understand that online dating is very skewed marketplace. Various studies on online dating apps have shown a significant disparity between men’s and women’s prospects. Some studies3 estimate that men account for 76% of users on platforms such as Tinder. Other studies4 suggest that the top 78% of women are fighting over the top 20% of men, while the bottom 80% of men are fighting over the bottom 22% of women.
the bottom 80% of men are fighting over the bottom 22% of women and the top 78% of women are fighting over the top 20% of men.
In other words, to have any chance of success with online dating, you need a profile that lands you in the top 20%. Unless you’re a professional copywriter living a life of adventure with a personal photographer capturing your every move, you probably don’t have the pics or the words to make your profile stand out from the crowd. That’s OK - there are people who specialise in crafting online dating profiles based on rigorous analysis of what works (e.g. photos with sunglasses vs without, with other people vs solo, selfies vs. candid shots, etc, etc). If you’re wandering down the online dating path, find one of these gurus and engage their services before you waste your time and money just to meet the bottom 20% of the dating pool.
Hair
Chances are that last time you were dating, you had a whole lot more hair than you do today. If that’s the case, don’t try to hide your lack of locks under hats or wigs in your dating profiles. It’s far better to own your situation like a boss and present your authentic self. If a woman has an aversion to dating a guy with less than a full head of hair, she’s not a suitable match for you, so why waste your time?
Hat-fishing aka Cap-fishing:
The use of hats or caps in online dating profiles to mask a man’s baldness
The same applies for other “vital statistics”. There’s no point in lying about your age, height, or weight. As soon as you meet someone for the first time, they will see through the lie, and wonder what else you’ve fibbed about. For many mature women, lies on dating profiles are a red flag that will disqualify you immediately.
Meeting The Old Fashioned Way
Back in our twenties it was relatively easy to meet other singles. Unburdened by serious careers, family responsibilities, and blessed with the stamina of youth there were plenty of parties and other social activities throughout the year attracting crowds of likeminded singles. Now we’re a bit older, we’re more likely to be spending whatever spare moments we have at home watching Netflix, or at best socialising with small groups of close friends.
In other words, if you want to start meeting new people in real life, you will have to make some changes to your routine. Think hard about the things in life you’d like to experience. Are there hobbies you’d like to try? Skills you’d like to learn? Places you’d like to see? Prioritise these according to their likelihood of attracting people with similar outlooks and values to yours. It probably makes sense to give particular priority to those activities likely to attract women, but don’t disregard the opportunity to forge new friendships with other men, especially other single men who can help you find your way in the dating scene. Once you have your list, it’s time to seek out groups who meet in person to discuss, learn, or practise these things. Try searching Meetup.com, your local community centre, and your existing work and social networks to identify and make contact with these groups. Social clubs, sporting clubs, Meetup groups, festivals, short courses and workshops are all valid options when it comes to creating he opportunity to meet other people who share your interests.
Some suggestions to get you thinking:
Adventure sports
Travel groups
Mind, body, spirit workshops & festivals (yoga, meditation, Tantra, etc)
Cooking classes
Dance classes & social dance clubs
Group language lessons
Manage Your Mindset
Some men make the mistake of approaching these meetups like sharks cruising for prey. You can spot them a mile away: they focus their attention on the most attractive women in the room, ignore everyone else, and approach these women sequentially collecting phone numbers if not actual dates. Be better than that! Form the mindset that you are there to:
Have fun
Learn & experience new things
Expand your social circle / make new friends
That means engaging with every other participant in a confident, sociable fashion. Deliberately connect with the people around you - some of these people will hopefully become your long term activity partners if you continue to pursue this hobby or interest. By acting with confidence and social competence, you will soon discover that the women who are interested in you keep positioning themselves in your vicinity, waiting for you to notice them. This gives you time to decide how you wish to approach them (i.e. with romantic or just platonic intent) after observing their character, not just their appearance.
If being sociable doesn’t come naturally to you, you need to read this:
Emotional Balance
Hopefully by this stage in life you’ve figured out how to remain grounded and emotionally balanced. This is so important when dating, as it prevents you from being thrown off balance emotionally by the excitement of new romantic possibilities or the sting of rejection and anguish of relationship failures.
If you don’t already have a few male friends with whom you can share your innermost concerns, fears, and aspirations without fear of judgement, now is the time to build that circle. It can be really hard to retrospectively adapt long-standing friendships to this level of vulnerability, so if you’re not comfortable suggesting this to your existing friends, you should seek to find new male friends who are open to it. There are increasingly more community organisations focusing on men’s health, and men supporting men where you might find these types of friendship. The Men’s Table is one such organisation that is perfect for this. You can also seek out “No More Mr Nice Guy” support groups, as these men also recognise the importance of this type of friendship in maintaining healthy romantic relationships.
To be continued next week…
In the second part of this series, we cover the protocols of dating - considerations for the first, second and subsequent dates, when to text/call, how to avoid getting drawn into mind games.
Thanks for reading Bed Bars & Beyond! If you found this article helpful, please let me know by clicking the ❤️ and/or leaving your thoughts in the comments.
~SM~
https://www.abs.gov.au/statistics/people/people-and-communities/marriages-and-divorces-australia/latest-release
https://www.abs.gov.au/statistics/people/people-and-communities/family-characteristics-and-transitions/latest-release
https://www.statista.com/statistics/975925/us-tinder-user-ratio-gender/
https://medium.com/@worstonlinedater/tinder-experiments-ii-guys-unless-you-are-really-hot-you-are-probably-better-off-not-wasting-your-2ddf370a6e9a