New Perspectives on Consent
It is so much more than a "Yes"!
Many of you have recently returned to the dating scene after many years in committed relationships. One of the significant social changes that took place in this time is the heightened emphasis on consent in the context of relationships. Twenty-something years ago we understood that “no” meant “no”, but responses ranging from silence, “maybe” to “hell yes!” could all be construed to some extent as consent. It’s time to brush up on the current standards of consent to avoid unintentionally upsetting prospective partners and landing yourself in serious hot water.
Legal Changes Around Consent
Just in the past year, several Australian jurisdictions have revised the law in relation to consent. The most significant change across the board is the emphasis that there is no longer any presumption of consent. Instead, consent must always be demonstrated unequivocally through words or actions.
In certain jurisdictions such as New South Wales, you now have a legal obligation to take deliberate steps to confirm consent:
A belief in consent is not reasonable if the accused person did not, within a reasonable time before or at the time of the sexual activity, say or do anything to find out whether the other person was consenting.
NSW Communities & Justice
Explicit vs. Embodied Consent
Depending on the situation, it may be appropriate to seek explicit consent. Imagine the impact of gazing into your partner’s eyes for a few seconds with a subtle confident smile before softly murmuring “I really want to kiss you right now, may I?” This is very different from nervously asking permission to kiss, yet it achieves the objective of confirming consent before taking action. This will either yield consent or refusal, in which case you can gracefully reply “That’s OK. I’m glad I asked - I don’t want to do anything to make you uncomfortable”. You can then carry on building rapport, or stop pursuing her further accusing the vibe you sense.
Unfortunately too many of us are uncomfortable with talking explicitly about our desires and asking our partners about theirs. Nevertheless, it’s worth overcoming your social discomfort to attempt this, as frank and open conversation about mutual desire has many benefits including:
fast tracking the courtship process from conversation to copulation
rapidly clearing up mismatched expectations about the nature of the relationship
unlocking new realms of mutual exploration and ecstasy.
For an example of the final point in action, see:
In cases where we are too shy to give voice to our desires, we tend to rely on the notion of embodied consent: i.e. observing non-verbal cues to sense whether our advances are welcome or not.
A word of caution: embodied consent can be misleading, especially if the other person is impaired by drugs or alcohol, or if you inadvertently trigger their “fight/flight/freeze” response and they freeze. Even though you’re probably the friendliest, least threatening guy on the planet, you never know what traumas her past holds that might surface at this moment of heightened anxiety. In the case of drugs or alcohol, she may not even be aware of your intentions, despite you thinking that you have been gracefully escalating intimacy when in fact she has been obliviously allowing you closer and failing to notice your touch. Even if she is aware, if her judgement is impaired by intoxication, you run the very real risk that she will regret the experience when she is sober. Far better to employ self-restraint and keep things playful with the intent of securing another date when you can develop the relationship while sober rather than risking allegations of taking unwelcome advantage.
Enthusiastic Consent
To differentiate between someone allowing us to advance by freezing and someone who actually welcomes the advance, we need to look for enthusiastic consent. Enthusiastic consent involves active reciprocation by our partner. For example, if you slowly lean in to kiss her and pause before making contact, she mirrors you by leaning in to the kiss rather than just sitting motionless and letting you kiss her, and she reaches out to hold or embrace you. As intimacy escalates, she may demonstrate her consent to proceed further by removing her clothing to facilitate sexual touch, and/or enthusiastically removing yours and touching you. If this isn’t happening, it’s time to re-evaluate the situation and consider whether you both want the same experiences at this point in time.
Avoid Confirmation Bias
Some women give all the subtle signs of being into you whilst not enthusiastically reciprocating. Maybe she is nervous and self-conscious? Perhaps she is convinced that you’re not interested in her that way and doesn’t want to embarrass herself? If in doubt, gently bring it up with a smile: “I feel like there’s chemistry between us, but I’m getting some mixed signals from you.” Prompt her to explain how she’s feeling - chances are that she wants the same thing you do, but either insecurity or some external factor is getting in the way. Get it out in the open rather than creating an unpleasant situation by forcing her to proceed.
Consent is Revocable at Any Moment
Remember, consent is a fragile, ephemeral thing. For it to be authentic, it must be given freely and remain instantly revocable. If you have power (either physical or authority) over your partner, or you coerce them in any way, you do not have actual consent. You must also be prepared for your partner to change their mind: the moment they ask you to stop (explicitly or nonverbally) or in any way express reluctance to continue, you should presume that you no longer have consent and must stop everything. This gives you the opportunity to “check in” with your partner to understand what they’re feeling, and work out if and how to proceed.
Whilst consent cannot really be revoked “after the fact”, we do hear from time to time of cases where consent is disputed after the fact. Whether this is due to feelings of guilt or shame, vindictiveness, or genuine confusion is irrelevant. It is better to minimise the risk of these circumstances by ensuring that you have enthusiastic consent at all times, avoiding sexual activity with partners who are significantly intoxicated by drugs or alcohol, and treating the people you date kindly, especially in rejection.
Consent is Specific To Time & Deed
Finally, consent applies to specific activities at a specific point in time. For example, in the context of a date, you may initially receive embodied consent to embrace and to kiss, but perhaps not to touch erogenous zones. After a period of further rapport-building, you may receive consent to touch more intimately, but not sexually. Or you may not receive consent to proceed any further than the kiss because your partner simply doesn’t want to go any further yet. Whatever the case, you need to tune into the signals of consent and respond to them appropriately.
Consent may also be conditional, such as consent to have sex provided the man wears a condom. Some recent changes to consent legislation explicitly define offences relating to the removal or tampering with the integrity of a condom in response to an increase in reported instances of “stealthing”.
And just because you had consent for something previously, you cannot assume you have consent to repeat that act on the next occasion. Whether it’s the morning after your first sleepover, or your fifteenth anniversary: you must always go through the motions of seeking confirmation of consent, and most importantly, honouring your partner’s wishes if they do not respond with enthusiasm.
Recommendations for Safe, Sexy Dating
Putting this all together yields a simple set of recommendations for enjoying better dating experiences and avoiding misunderstandings or misdeeds.
Understand the consent laws in your dating jurisdiction
The rest of these recommendations should keep you within the laws of most jurisdictions, but especially when you’re dealing with new partners, it’s best to play things safe on all fronts
Avoid consuming drugs & alcohol while dating
If you feel the need for “Dutch courage”, you really need to work on your social skills and confidence before trying to date.
Alcohol undermines your conversation skills, judgement, and even your physical appearance. You’re better off without it.
Sober sex is the best sex, provided that you can overcome your inhibitions.
Avoid offering your date alcohol or other drugs
A partner affected by drugs or alcohol cannot legally consent to sexual contact in most Western jurisdictions.
If you feel the need to “loosen up” your partner with a few drinks, you’re effectively trying to coerce them. Learn how to seduce them and provoke their feelings of sexual attraction and arousal while sober instead.
Avoid sex when either party is under the influence
What if either or both of you is already a bit tipsy when the opportunity for sex arises?
Exercise restraint. If she finds you sufficiently attractive to have sex with you, then you will have an opportunity when you’re both sober. If not, having sex now would effectively be rape.
Also consider intervening when your friends are heading down this path. Friends don’t let friends take advantage of intoxicated people.
Could you both legally drive a car?
The prevalence of alcohol in our social lives means either partner may already have had a drink or two at the time of contact.
If you have any doubt about whether either of you is safely within the legal blood alcohol limits to drive a car, avoid sexual contact.
You can still flirt, make out, and have a great time together. If you’ve played your cards right, your restraint and assurance that “you really want her, but you want both of you to experience every sensation without the numbing effects of alcohol” will likely heighten the anticipation for a followup date.
Speak openly about your desires
Confidently telling your partner what you want to do with her can be incredibly sexy
Encouraging her to share her desires can fast track you from rapport to intimacy, and suggest new activities and experiences that you might not have considered.
Maintain communication throughout
Keep checking in with your partner throughout your encounter to ensure they’re still enjoying themselves:
this can be as simple as:
consciously observing their non-verbal communication,
taking a pause until they prompt you to continue whatever it was you were previously doing
asking them how you can make the experience even better for them
Embrace the campsite principle
In every romantic encounter, aim to leave people in better shape (happier, healthier) than they were when you met them.
Be kind to your partner, even if things don’t work out. Thank them for being with you and let them down gently but unequivocally.
Further Reading Suggestions:
Is consent more a “future consideration” for you because you’re still focusing on getting past first base? You should read this article next: