Who Are Your Boys Following to Learn About Dating & Relationships?
A Reality Check About Role Models in The Era of TikTok
Before we delve deeper into this question, I’d invite you to reflect on your own experience. Who had the strongest influence on your teenaged self in terms of your behaviour towards the opposite sex and the protocols of dating? I know many of you, like me, came of age before the web made its way into our lives. We learned from our friends, from older siblings, from our parents, and from mainstream movies and free-to-air TV. This situation was far from ideal: too many of us were fashioned into “nice guys” by well-meaning but misguided parents against he cultural backdrop of the latter years of second wave feminism. Did you learn enough about dating in these early years to feel a sense of agency in terms of your ability to attract the quality of dates you desired?
Fast forward to the current generation of teenagers and consider the difference in the amount of information to which they have access. Not only do they have a vast range of online sources available to them, but the commercial model of social media promotes this information according to the hype it generates, regardless of the quality or veracity of the message it contains. Click-bait titles, populism, extremism and controversy are the currency of social media where content creators compete for the attention of viewers to earn their living. To make things even more confusing, social media influencers create a compelling illusion of the success of their message, promoting unrealistic expectations and skewing the beliefs and values of impressionable minds.
Currently the most prominent voice speaking to boys and young men about dating is Andrew Tate. Tate was recently cancelled from social media due to allegations of misogyny, and is currently under arrest in Romania waiting to be charged with allegations of human trafficking and rape. He rose to fame through slick use of social media where he flaunts his lavish lifestyle and preaches his version of masculinity and dating advice with an air of aggression and contempt. He generates his income through various online schemes ranging from turning his girlfriends into cam-girls to selling subscriptions to an exclusive online men’s club where he offers his personal coaching services.
Tate is a prime example of the type of the type of online mentor who has gained a following disproportionate to the quality his message, and he is widely revered by teenage boys and disenfranchised young men who find his cocky attitude and aggressive tone empowering. To be fair, I agree with a fair bit of the advice I’ve seen Tate offer in his coaching videos. My main concern about his content is the way in which he delivers his message, which is likely also what made him so successful. His content is plagued with excessive obscenity and a tone of contempt towards women. This should come as no surprise to anyone who understands the mechanics of social media. Tate is preaching to an audience who feel marginalised and maligned by the prevailing social narrative of the evils of masculinity, and by taking an extreme position counter to the politically correct or anti-male feminist ideology, the algorithms of social media have rapidly boosted his profile, and with it his profits.
I foresee two major problems arising from Tate’s content:
Boys who don’t understand the nuance behind his messaging will simply seek to emulate him while blindly following his guidance. This will likely lead them down a path of misogyny dressed up as masculinity. Furthermore, unless they can actually turn themselves into multi-millionaire world champion kickboxers, their lack of authenticity will ensure that the women they attract are insecure, immature, damaged or all of the above.
Many observers will be unable to separate the toxic elements of arrogance and misogyny from the healthy and attractive elements of masculinity that he preaches. Aside from leading his disciples to failure, this type of high profile controversy has the potential to taint all discussion about healthy masculinity and how men can improve their dating success.
Tate Is Cancelled and Behind Bars, Why Continue to Worry?
With Tate out of the picture (at least for the time being), can’t we just put this behind us and move on? Absolutely not! Firstly, he already has a powerful reputation among boys, and his teaching will live on as long as he has a following. If your boys have been charmed by Tate, you need to start talking to them about it now! Have them share what they like about him, and what they believe about the things he teaches, and see if you can help them separate the macho bullshit and cockiness from the substance of his message.
In addition to Tate, there are hundreds, or maybe even thousands of other content creators pushing their own brands of masculinity and dating advice. Some of them offer sound, healthy advice. Some of them are well-meaning but naive, (e.g. various online dating coaches insist that to be successful with women, you must first hit the gym and get ripped, otherwise women will never notice you), and some (like Tate’s) is delivered in a way that gives the appearance of promoting misogyny. Beyond the dating coaches, remember that everywhere you turn on social media you encounter the confusing nonsense of the woke movement, including numerous messages that demonise traditional values of masculinity.
This basically brings us back to the problems of pickup artistry, as I covered in this earlier article:
Some of the practices taught by these coaches are effective in briefly capturing a woman’s attention and provoking some attraction, but if boys treat this as a formulaic role-play without understanding the importance of authenticity, they will be unable to sustain meaningful relationships once the facade slips. We have all been conditioned to seek fast results, and it seems fewer and fewer people have the patience and perseverance to work on the the bigger picture of developing authentically attractive character and a healthy, well-integrated masculinity that contribute to sustainable attraction and lasting relationships. In other words, whilst they may experience a short term improvement in their dating success, they will lack the guidance to mature into good men capable of maintaining lasting attraction and relationship longevity.
I’m well aware of the irony of writing this critique of online dating coaches! Whilst I consider myself an author rather than dating coach, my content certainly serves the same educational purpose. So what is my motive? Whilst there is an option to monetise content on Substack by putting it behind a paywall, I prefer to keep it available to everyone so that it can help those who need it. I have a full time job that pays the bills, so I am happy to be able to “pay it forward” by sharing the knowledge I wish I’d learned 25 years earlier in the hope that it eases the journey of other men and the women in their lives.
-SM-
How Can You Help Your Boys?
I’d like to suggest three ways in which you can help your boys navigate the path to developing a healthy sense of masculinity and agency over their dating success.
1. Normalise Talking About Attraction, Dating, Relationships & Sex
By having frank and honest conversations about male and female perspectives on these topics you can help your boys recognise the difference between the fantasy of romance portrayed by the likes of Disney, and the reality of visceral sexual attraction and desire enjoyed by compatible adults when their polarised masculine and feminine essences collide.
It is important for boys (and men) to understand that men and women tend to be attracted to different aspects. Without this insight, boys tend to project their own attitudes onto women, leading them to place undue emphasis on physical appearance and conform to (often unrealistic) standards of physique. Worse than that, they will likely neglect the more important priorities of developing the deeper qualities of social confidence, leadership, and discipline that have far greater impact on their social status and long-term attractiveness to women.
It may help to draw boys’ attention to mature attractive women in the community and consider the physical appearance of their boyfriends or husbands to dispel the notion that any specific physique is essential to attracting women and prompt them to more deeply ponder the male qualities that do foster attraction.
2. Help Them Analyse the Motives & Authority of Content Creators
It takes a fairly cynical mind to intuitively grasp the mechanics of the attention economy that dominates our online lives. Do your kids truly understand it? Do you?
What is this “influencer” selling? Ask yourself the following questions?
Show Me The Money!
Is the platform monetised via advertising?
e.g. YouTube content creators generate income by attracting viewers to the platform and displaying ads before, after, or during their content.
Do the content titles sound like click bait? e.g. “You’ll never believe this one crazy secret guaranteed to get you a date!”
Is the content a “sales funnel” urging viewers to sign up for exclusive paid content or courses?
Does the content exploit extreme or controversial views specifically to capture attention?
Is the content a form of self-promotion, drawing attention to a narcissistic individual seeking fame (or followers)?
Cite Your Sources!
Is the content presented as “the only truth”?
Does the producer cite credible academic sources, or rely solely on personal experience?
Does the content explore nuance? E.g. recognise that what we find attractive tends to evolve with maturity, or that what qualifies as “status” varies according to culture and values?
Once you understand the author’s motives, you can evaluate the bias of their content through this lens. Be wary of “free” content monetised via attention/advertising, as the underlying incentive is to play to the algorithm rather than maximising the quality of the message. Also be wary of content that is not backed up by authoritative sources. Whenever I make a potentially controversial claim or statement of scientific theory I try to provide sources to allow you to research and verify my take. I do this because my only qualification in this field is personal experiential learning and experience supporting other men. Unlike professional coaches with clinical qualifications, content creators like me can make any claim that comes to mind without any real risk of consequence if we’re wrong. There is no professional association or regulator holding us to account. Whilst this doesn’t invalidate our message, it is prudent to encourage some fact-checking and critical evaluation of content creators at least until they earn your trust as a reliable source.
Also consider that coaches who produce content specifically to attract clients may use tactics like leaving out some of the most important advice so that it compels you to sign up for their services. Whatever their tactics, I’d encourage you to evaluate these folks according to my advice here.
3. Help Them Separate The Wheat From the Chaff
Many of Andrew Tate’s messages are consistent with my own beliefs, but by burying them in his customary foul-mouthed aggression he sets a poor example for young audiences seeking an empowering role model. Similarly, coaches who overlook the fact that whilst their own path to finding confidence and success with women began through body-building, this is by no means the only path to building confidence and social status. It is also essential to appreciate that just because a coach offers some excellent advice in one video, it does not follow that all of their advice is valid (again, Tate is a perfect example in so far as some of his advice is really good, but I’ve also heard him say things which are either obnoxious or simply so dependent on having such high self esteem and social confidence that they would make a less precocious man come across as either creepy or ridiculous.
It might help to watch some of the same content your boys are viewing, and encourage an honest discussion about the elements that resonate with each of you and which aspects you find problematic. You could also compare their message with that of other online experts and focus on the commonalities. From there you should be able infer more abstract generalisations better suited to you and your boys. For example confidence and physical fitness are attractive, but you don’t need to get ripped to build confidence, nor does getting ripped guarantee you’ll get a date. However, the discipline you build from committing to a fitness regimen and the sense of mission you gain from pursuing and achieving fitness goals are immensely valuable (and attractive) if you can also apply them to other worthwhile pursuits. In other words dating success has a lot more to do with character than musculature, and it’s often necessary to read between the lines of well-meaning influencers who stumbled into their own success and turned their path into a program for others to follow.
One Last Suggestion
It’s absolutely worth while checking out the content that's out there, but I’d also encourage you to familiarise yourself and your boys with the Authentic Attraction Series here.
Join The Conversation!
Who are your favourite online dating coaches? What resonates with you about their message? Are there any you disagree with? Why?
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