Tying the Knots
Unleashing the Sensual Artistry of Shibari
Ever on the lookout for fresh insights to share with my readers, I had to chuckle the other day when a promising headline popped into my newsfeed. Despite teasing an exciting new practice bringing a new dimension to intimate relationships, it merely talked about the wonders of shibari. It’s certainly not new (the Japanese have practised shibari (aka kinbaku) for centuries, perhaps dating back as far as the 17th century), but perhaps a new generation of kinksters are discovering it for the first time?
In any case, shibari can spice up your existing relationship, and a single man with shibari skills can create experiences for a woman that will put him in a different league from all the other blokes with boring bedroom repertoires.
What Is Shibari?
Shibari is an artistic and sensual form of rope bondage that originated in Japan. It involves using ropes to bind the body, with an emphasis on the aesthetics of the human form, the patterns of tying, and the connection between the rope artist and the model. Founded on trust and consent, shibari is a beautiful and often deeply intimate practice.
Many practitioners first discover shibari either through photographic exhibits or live shibari performances where they become captivated by the beauty of the art and seek to experience it for themselves. Although beautiful to observe, the emotional and tactile dimensions of the practice are usually what hook practitioners on the art.
So Much More Than Fancy Knots
The ornate appearance of many traditional ties may appear complex, but the reality of shibari is that with three or four simple knots you can create an amazing multi-sensor experience for yourself and your partner. Whilst the details of traditional ties are important for advanced manoeuvres like suspensions, the real thrill of shibari for most beginners actually comes from the following sensations:
the comfortable familiarity of the ritualistic aspects of shibari - a series of subconscious cues that can quickly put experienced practitioners in a completely relaxed, meditative frame of mind
the physical feeling of rope dragging across, caressing, or pressing against skin or clothing
the sensation of proximity between the rigger’s and model’s bodies
the feeling of tension in the rope, how that tension becomes a powerful metaphor for the connection between the rigger and the model, and how variations in tension and proximity induce feelings of connection or abandonment between the participants
the sense of surrender, helplessness, or thrill of submission the model experiences
the tension or relief of entrusting the rigger entirely with their wellbeing for the duration of the tie
the sense of safety and protection the model feels when embraced by the rope at the hands of a rigger they trust deeply
the sight and feel of marks left on the body after untying the rope - short-lasting reminders of the bliss of the experience
the feeling of being handled and the perception of different moods or sentiments conveyed by the rigger’s tempo and fluidity or roughness with which he handles the rope.
the sensation experienced by the model of being the centre of someone’s undivided attention
the feeling of escape from the real world, as both rigger and model confine their attention to tying and being tied.
I expect some of those sensations may surprise you - especially if you’ve yet to try shibari for yourself. You might also notice that I haven’t mentioned anything about sex yet. The choice of mixing sex with shibari is entirely up to you and your partner. Shibari can provide amazing feelings of intimacy and connection even when both participants remain fully clothed, but of course the addition of nudity and sexual touch can add an intoxicating dimension of erotic pleasure to the art. Since there is nothing inherently sexual about the art, it’s something you can practise with a partner even if your relationship is platonic, or even in the very early stages of dating. Attending a rope workshop is a fun way to get to know each other a little better and try something new and exciting in the safe company of other participants and instructors. Conceptually it’s really not that different from taking a tango class together: it has close contact, potential for sexual tension, trust, cooperation, and sense of excitement.
Impractical Restraint
There’s a reason police use handcuffs instead of rope! It’s very difficult single-handedly to securely restrain someone with rope if they put up a fight. Although shibari traces its origins to the ancient martial art hojujutsu, the modern emphasis is on a cooperative and consensual interaction between model and rigger. That said, the most enjoyable shibari sessions usually involve at least a symbolic simulation of the rigger imposing his will on a captive model. For example, consider the difference in tension between rigger and model in the following scenarios:
he commences by embracing her firmly and possessively from behind, pinning her wrists to her chest, and inhaling deeply with his head beside hers before firmly gripping her wrists and moving her arms into place to commence the tie
he stands at arm’s length behind her, asks her sheepishly to put her hands behind her back, and commences tying, still at arm’s length
Even though it is all still consensual and cooperative, simply going through these motions creates feelings of being overpowered and forced to submit, and can greatly enhance the power exchange aspects of this kind of play.
Safety
Playing with rope can be dangerous, so before you rush off to your garage or hardware store, pay attention to the following safety tips.
Never tie rope around someone’s neck
Understand any injuries or health conditions that may impact your partner’s safety or enjoyment. Agree together on a plan to manage these if they arise.
Always have safety shears in arm’s reach, and test they can cut your chosen rope before tying someone!
Use safety shears (aka paramedic shears), not a knife or sharp scissors. You may need to cut the rope close to your model’s skin while they are moving, and sharp blades create too much risk of injury
Learn a few safe knots that don’t constrict (i.e. locking knots that don’t get tighter under tension)
Err on the side of symbolism rather than realism - e.g. if you tie your model’s hands together, it is better leave enough slack in the tie that she could wriggle out than to risk causing nerve or circulatory damage by making it too tight!
Do not attempt any form of suspension without proper training in:
Technical Dimensions of Rigging - ensuring your equipment and methods are safe to carry the load
Shibari Harness Ties - ensuring the correct pattern and placement of rope harnesses to avoid nerve or musculoskeletal injury
Release your model immediately if they complain of any discomfort. Use your judgement as to whether you can untie the rope in time, or if you need to use the shears. Cut them free immediately if they experience cramps, dizziness, seizures, loss of sensation or pins and needles (e.g. in hands or feet due to tight tie), or other medical episodes. You can usually take the time to untie if they are just getting uncomfortable due to time spent in a particular pose.
Never leave a restrained person unattended. You are responsible for every aspect of their safety until you release them.
Dabbling With Rope
Even without learning to tie knots, you can introduce rope into your intimate play to get a feel for whether you and your partner like it. You can try a fun experiment by taking a length of rope (4m is good, if you have 8m or more fold it in half), and each holding one end. Without letting go of the rope or speaking, try to communicate with each other through eye contact, movement, and tension. You can reel your partner into you by pulling on the rope, or bind them by walking circles around them. You can caress them by draping loops of rope across their skin, or (assuming you have their consent) you can lightly flog them with a hank of rope to inflict some mild pain. Give yourselves a few minutes to explore the possibilities, and you’ll quickly get a feel for whether this is something you wish to pursue further.
Choice of Rope
You can have fun with literally any kind of rope, but if you’re heading out to buy some, here are a couple of considerations to keep in mind.
Rope Fibre & Construction
Shibari almost always makes use of natural fibre, usually jute, rope made of three strands twisted together. When pulled across the skin, jute is less likely to cause friction burns compared with synthetic ropes of similar construction. For this reason it’s probably best to avoid the cheap synthetic twisted ropes of polypropylene or silver.
On the other hand, some people prefer the smooth texture of double-braided ropes, either in cotton or nylon.
Rope Diameter & Length
Shibari rope tends to be in the 5-8mm diameter range, and is usually doubled (i.e. folded in half), resulting in two strands of rope for every wrap. Small diameter rope like this is thick enough to avoid cutting into the person being tied, while being thin enough to cut easily with shears in an emergency.
Shibari riggers generally prefer to work with multiple 8 metre lengths of rope which they join as they tie. When working with a doubled 8m length, you’re basically handling two arm-spans of rope. It is much easier to work with multiple short lengths than one long length, as tangles become less frequent, and you can simply discard a tangled length and reach for a fresh one without breaking your flow.
Learning The Basics
I recommend checking out some online resources to learn the basic knots of shibari. Practise tying these on furniture or trees or even yourself until you can tie them with confidence, at which point you’re ready to start playing with a partner. (It’s not as much fun for your partner when you’re dithering around trying to work out how to tie a knot rather than placing your focus on the way you tie and the feelings you create).
An excellent resource on YouTube is: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwistedMonk
And for more serious, in-depth study check out: https://crash-restraint.com/
Nothing beats first hand instruction from an experienced and knowledgeable rigger, especially when it comes to understanding how to avoid the hidden risks of injury such as chronic nerve damage that can be caused by incorrect placement of load-bearing harnesses and other tight ties. A little bit of Googling or browsing FetLife should help you locate a rope dojo near you.
Remember, shibari is only erotic if you bring eroticism to your tying. Don’t feel self-conscious about tying other men if you find yourself in a workshop without a female model and have to practise with another man. Beginner workshops focus heavily on mastering the technical aspects of knots and patterns, and unless you’re actually attracted to each other, practising with another man is no more erotic than having a tailor measure you for a suit!
How to Raise the Topic of Shibari with Your Partner?
In a previous article about Erotic Fantasy we discussed some tips for raising topics like this without embarrassment. If you haven’t already, check out that article here:
In the case of shibari, you might like to try one of the following suggestions:
Mention what you learned in this article, especially the feelings described in “More Than Fancy Knots”, ask what she knows and feels about shibari
Find a shibari performance and suggest attending. You can generally consider these as a kind of traditional Japanese semi-equivalent to burlesque. A little risqué, very artistic, and different from anything else you’ve ever seen.
If you can’t find a performance, look for some good content on YouTube and show it to your partner. Ask her opinion about it.
If you’re already open about being a little kinky in the bedroom, introduce some rope into your play (but avoid restraining her with it unless that’s something you’ve already negotiated - keep things consensual!)
Find a local rope dojo or workshop and suggest attending a beginner’s class.
Share this article with your partner!
However you approach it, let your partner know what shibari is, what interests you about it, and why you think she’ll enjoy it too. In my experience, women tend to be far more open to exploring this type of play than most men dare imagine!