Dominance is easy to recognise, yet difficult to define. It is a deep state of being that manifests as behaviour and an aura of gravitas that others can sense. The underlying state of dominance incorporates many facets: deep presence and situational awareness, the sense of power derived from the confidence to unwaveringly pursue one’s desires, a sense of mastery and ownership of one’s domain, a sense of responsibility for everything that happens within one’s sphere of control. In sexual contexts, this state will also include a deep sense of sexual desire that is absolutely devoid of neediness. In a Dominant/Submissive relationship, the submissive partner sense this aura initially as a strong presence, and then later as a protective bubble within which she can relax. She knows that whilst she remains in the bubble, the dominant has full control of her wellbeing and safety, and she can let go of her responsibilities, her worries, and her inhibitions with the deep knowledge that for at least this moment she is surrounded by his protection.
Misconceptions About Dominance
Unfortunately, many aspiring BDSM “Doms” perceive only the overtly assertive aspects of dominant behaviour and mistakenly believe that mimicking these actions makes them “dominant”. This often manifests as inappropriate and disrespectful behaviour, such as attempting to verbally or physically dominate those they perceive as submissive without first establishing rapport and negotiating consent. The submissive in these encounters will generally not sense any of the aura of gravitas described above, but rather perceive the would-be “Dom” as rude, ignorant, or obnoxious. The dissonance created by attempting to “act dominant” without embodying the state of dominance creates a sense of creepiness that few find appealing.
When a couple seek to explore a dominance and submission dynamic in the context of an established relationship, unless the dominant partner is naturally dominant the experience will most likely feel like role play rather than creepy. One or both partners may find the dissonance amusing to the point of laughter, making it difficult to explore experiences that require a sense of gravitas. Even if they succeed in assuming the role and acting the part, they will feel more like actors in a play, performing acts because the script dictates it, rather than acting on impulse and desire inspired by a natural D/s dynamic. That’s not to say they won’t enjoy the experience, just that the submissive it’s unlikely the submissive will be able to surrender to the fullest extent possible.
Dominance does not require the use of violence, aggression, verbal abuse, bullying or other forms of disrespect towards the submissive. In “vanilla” relationships, this D/s dynamic can occur naturally without any consideration of sadism or masochism. Instead, the dynamic is solely reflected in the behaviour of the partners in sexual play and lovemaking. In cases where the submissive desires the feeling of pain, degradation or humiliation, and then only after thoroughly understanding what she desires and negotiating her limits and consent, the true dominant will use the utmost care to provide those feelings in a way that ensures she sustains no actual or lasting harm.
Since dominance emanates from a core state of being, there is no need for an overt display of assertiveness at all times. Showing tenderness, playfulness, affection, joy, and even emotional vulnerability do not undermine true dominance, although they may mask it momentarily. The submissive who tests their dominant partner when he is in a jovial mood will quickly find reassurance in his look, his tone of voice, or his touch that the inner strength and aura of gravitas is still there, just beneath the surface of his playful or joyful expression.
Can You Learn To Be More Dominant?
As discussed above, learning to “act dominant” is unlikely to yield the desired outcome unless you have the internal state of dominance. On the other hand the behaviour of people with a natural internal state of dominance tends to reflect that dominance! Rather than focusing on learning dominant behaviour, it is more helpful to cultivate an authentic inner state of dominance, and allow the behaviour to follow naturally. This is much harder than simply learning to act out a few new behaviours, and may not be possible for everyone, but it avoids the dissonance of behaviour that does not align with internal state.
Note: This article refers to dominants as masculine and submissives as feminine, as that reflects the majority of the author’s personal experience, especially in the context of observing masculine and feminine energies and archetypes. There are naturally dominant women, naturally submissive men, and no doubt other gender identities that fall into both categories as well. Please feel free to substitute your own pronouns if it makes more sense to you.