In the previous sections we’ve explored some of the fundamental triggers of women’s attraction to men including:
Unshakeable confidence
Strong sense of purpose / mission
Being present and grounded while paying her attention
Ability to elicit positive emotions through communication
Unfortunately for those of us raised on a diet of Disney stories and Rom-Coms, nowhere on that list will you find “compliance” or “agreeableness”! Far too many men feel obliged to feign agreement (or at least conceal their disagreement) with the opinions of a woman they find attractive, under the mistaken belief that difference of opinion will disqualify them as a suitor. There are several problems with this behaviour:
It is inauthentic, which leads to her getting a feeling that “something is not quite right” or that you are deceitful, thereby undermining any budding sense of attraction.
If the disagreement relates to core values and beliefs, you will be unable to conceal your disagreement indefinitely. In other words, you’re merely delaying the inevitable discovery of a fundamental incompatibility in the relationship.
If the disagreement centres around topics that are unimportant, by withholding your opinion you convey to her that you value her opinion (or her favour) more highly than your own point of view. In other words, she will see you as a “simp” who lacks the confidence to stand by his own convictions.
If you pretend to be interested in the things that interest her, you may soon find yourself sacrificing your own interests to make time for activities that you find boring or tedious.
Wait a minute! Didn’t I say “be interested to be interesting”?
If you find it contradictory to “be interested” in conversation, while avoiding pretending to be interested in things that you’re clearly not, think of it in these terms:
In early conversations, you are taking an interest in getting to know the person, not their own interests per se. The objective is to learn about their character by exploring what inspires them, in a way that is enjoyable to them and builds rapport rather than feeling like a clumsy job interview.
There is no rule that you have to enjoy each other’s interests for a relationship to flourish. After all, women are often passionate about pastimes that would bore most men to tears, and vice versa. Feigning interest beyond mere curiosity in particularly “girly” hobbies could actually cause her to think of you more as a girlfriend than the epitome of masculinity she desires as a lover.
Keep in mind that courtship is a process of learning about each other to determine if the chemistry is right between you. Actions (and behaviour) during this process is far more powerful than words. Speaking your mind early is an important part of revealing how you think and your core values and beliefs, and lays the foundation for frank and fearless communication within the relationship. By having the courage to tackle disagreements head-on you avoid wasting time with relationships built on weak foundations, and strengthen those built on authentic appreciation of each other’s values and beliefs.
If you fear that breaking rapport by revealing your own beliefs will destroy your chance of a relationship, might you be working from the assumption that you should always strive to deepen rapport?
The Benefit of Breaking Rapport
20 minutes into a conversation with an attractive stranger at a party. Conversation has been flowing easily, there has been lingering eye contact and rapport has been steadily growing. The buzz of anticipation of a potential relationship is in the air.
She: “My friend Rachel and I were at the Dragons game last weekend and…”
He <spoken with an exaggerated air of disappointment while holding eye contact>: “I’m sorry, I need to stop your right there. I didn’t realise you were a Dragons fan. It could simply never work out between us…”
What reaction do you think this deliberate break of rapport will provoke? The literal message is that because you disagree on which is the best sports team you are fundamentally incompatible, or more succinctly, you disagree on an important topic. Will this disagreement shatter all further prospects of romance?
In most cases, the reaction to this type of playful rapport breaking is momentary confusion (it is a little disorienting when someone who seems to be so aligned with you suddenly expresses extreme disagreement), quickly followed by amusement and even thrill when she realises you are using absurdity to tease her about her preferred team, and that you’ve openly implied that you were considering her as a romantic prospect. This form of flirting when skilfully delivered creates a little roller coaster ride of emotion that strengthens attraction. Generally speaking, the way you make a woman feel has a disproportionate influence on how attractive she finds you.
Now consider how this conversation might compare to one with a man who is afraid to disagree for fear of breaking rapport. Which conversation do you think leaves a more lasting emotional impression?
Breaking rapport is a useful technique in several circumstances:
Flirting by building and releasing tension in conversation
Responding to minor rudeness or behaviour you consider inappropriate
Redirect a conversation that is going down an undesirable path (e.g. boring or emotionally negative)
Demonstrating that your attention is not to be taken for granted - that you have the confidence to walk away from the interaction and disqualify her as a romantic prospect.
Reminding a romantic prospect that she needs to impress you as much as you need to impress her - e.g. by pretending to disqualify her you’re implicitly challenging her to try harder to attract you.
The key to breaking rapport to further attraction is to do so sparingly and bring the right energy to the break. Exaggeration, a sense of playfulness, knowing how long to hold the tension, and confidence in the execution of the break can all spell the difference between amplifying attraction and coming across as being rude or aloof.
Next Steps
You will need to practise this skill to develop proficiency. Try to build a habit of breaking rapport just once with one or two people every day. They might be friends or coworkers, or people you date. Embrace a spirt of playful teasing during an appropriate moment and see how it lands. With a little practice you should be able to dial in the appropriate energy and tone to provoke a smile or a laugh nine out of ten times.