So You Think You're Good In Bed...
A Checklist for Men To Become Better Lovers
Most of what men think we know about sex we learned from watching porn. Some even turn to lesbian porn for better insight into women’s sexual desires, oblivious to the fact that even most lesbian porn is produced for male audiences. It’s only the lucky few who have benefited from the personal guidance of sexually enlightened women with the confidence to offer feedback and instruction. In this series we will share with you the feedback of dozens of women of all ages and backgrounds as well as the professional insights of a few sexologists about what women wish their lovers understood about sex and intimacy.
How Do You Know How Good You Are?
Unless your performance in the sack is so breathtaking that partners regularly fall at your feet worshipping your pleasure-giving abilities, the chances are that you gauge your performance by some combination of objective measures:
absence of complaints,
how often your partner achieves orgasm,
how well-endowed you are,
how long you last, and/or
compliments from a (possibly previous) partner.
Whilst some of these may be encouraging indicators that you’re doing well, none of them (not even the orgasm tally) actually confirms that you are truly satisfying your partner’s intimate desires.
In the course of my research for the 41 Things program, two crystal clear messages emerged from the dozens interviews I conducted.
The number of common desires shared almost universally among women is pretty small. Beyond that, there is a broad spectrum of preferences, desires, and fantasies that vary greatly from one woman to the next.
Communicating openly about sexual desire, what feels good, and what doesn’t feel so great can be the one factor that differentiates amazing sex from satisfactory sex.
(Almost) Universal Intimate Desires
Despite the wide ranging individual preferences and predilections, a couple of topics tended to be front of mind for the majority of the women who shared their thoughts.
Be fully present:
get out of your head and become fully conscious of what you’re feeling physically, emotionally, and energetically in your body
let her feel that she has your complete and undivided attention
Communicate in the moment:
make some noise! Whether primal moans and groans of pleasure, or articulate descriptions of what you’re feeling, seeing, desiring, let her know that you’re enjoying yourself.
Mix it up, try whispering, try growling, find out what you enjoy, and she will almost certainly enjoy it too.
realise that the sound of your voice can in itself be arousing to your partner.
Take your time - savour your woman:
Women want to be craved, and you can show her this through your deliberate attention
Don’t dive straight into the erogenous zones, take the time to connect first and deliberately slow everything down.
Make teasing through touch an essential part of foreplay. Maximise the anticipation.
Foreplay is sex. Enjoy it and prolong it.
Focus on her pleasure:
Don’t just go through the motions, tune into her body and breathing, and feel how she responds.
Emphasise the journey (her arousal) over the destination (orgasm).
How to Become A Better Lover
How did you fare with that list? Want some advice on how to tackle one or more of these desires? This article provides a few thoughts to get you started, but it’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of exploring what women wish their lovers knew. To explore further and gain even more insights and ideas, subscribe now to receive future articles in this series.