How to Know What Your Lover Wants
No Mind Reading Skills Required!
Sometimes women struggle to tell you what they like and want.
41 Things Women Wish Their Lovers Knew - Quote 17
Have you ever considered the irony of sex? Usually sex involves two (or sometimes more đ) consenting adults seeking to please each other and themselves to revel in the blissful ecstasy of intimately sensual play. So how are we supposed to know what our partners find pleasurable? How many of your partners have explicitly told you in the earliest stages of a relationship what works for them ?
What Are Your Preferences?
Take a moment to consider what you enjoy the most in intimate play. Where and how do you like to be touched? Do you prefer to lead or have your partner take charge? What are your most sensitive erogenous zones? Do you enjoy your partner âtalking dirtyâ? Are there positions you prefer?
Now take a moment to reflect on how often youâve explicitly communicated these preferences to a partner, especially in the early stage of a relationship.
If you find it easy to communicate these preferences, congratulations! You are already ahead of the pack. For many, perhaps most people, just the thought of explicitly discussing intimate preferences with a new partner provokes feelings of discomfort. From my experience working with and coaching many men, Iâve observed that many of us subconsciously carry a sense of awkwardness or shame in relation to sex. From our earliest adolescent discoveries of sexuality, our society tends to teach us that sex is something embarrassing to be hidden from view and never discussed in polite company. More conservative religious societies attach even greater shame to sex - even to self-pleasure in absolute privacy. No wonder we find it hard to discuss with someone we find attractive and hope to entice into a relationship!
One Size Does Not Fit All
If youâve paid attention to a few different partners over time, you will probably have noticed that each has their own preferences as to if, how and where they like to be touched, spoken to, and handled during intimate moments, and that these preferences often vary according to the individualâs mood or frame of mind. In other words, you cannot assume that your current partner will enjoy the same things as your previous partner.
Some of you may not have noticed these differences. This may happen if you get âstuck in your own headâ during sex, e.g. when anxiety or sexual shame causes you to focus your attention on what you think you should be doing rather than relaxing into your body and feeling the interactions between yourself and your partner, and really tuning into the way their body responds to your touch. It might also happen if your relationships have been brief, meaning youâve not had the opportunity to observe the same partnerâs reactions over an extended period of time. Either way, the following tips should help you lift your game and give your partners an experience to remember for all the right reasons!
Most People Want to Talk About Sex (If They Can Get Past The Shame)
While developing the 41 Things course, I started conversations about sex with hundreds of strangers from all (adult) demographics. Some people found it surprising that I would raise the topic so openly, but not one expressed more than momentary discomfort, nor did they attempt to cut the conversation short. In fact, my conversation partners showed almost universal interest in exploring the discussion with enthusiasm. In the cases of momentary discomfort, it lasted no more than a few seconds as the other person overcame their social conditioning to never discuss sex by mentally acknowledging there is nothing immoral or obscene about a sincere good faith discussion about a topic that is an essential part of human existence.
The tone with which you approach the discussion has a tremendous influence on the way your partner responds. If you approach the topic with shame and embarrassment, you increase the probability that your partner will reflect these feelings leading to a very awkward, uncomfortable conversation. On the other hand, if you adopt a lascivious tone you risk a polarised response: either enthusiastic or revolted depending on the character and mood of your partner. I have found that confidently approaching the topic in a sincere, matter-of-fact tone encourages most people to relax their shame-induced inhibitions and engage in a conversation.
Choose Your Timing
You can make this conversation easier by choosing the right time to raise it. If in doubt, should choose a moment when you feel a strong sense of connection with your partner. The higher the sense of connection and intimacy, the easier this conversation should be. For most people, post-coital cuddles represents the easiest time to discuss matters of intimacy, but that doesnât make it the only, or even the best time. Any moment when youâre feeling a high level of trust and rapport and youâre in a private setting where you can chat without fear of eavesdroppers you can broach the topic. It often helps to have an erotic vibe going as well, for example if youâve been flirting or even making out.
Lead By Example
Take it as your responsibility to make your partner feel at ease in the conversation by paving the way for them. You may want to tell them what turns you on, or alternately you can tell them you really want to make them feel amazing, and ask them to tell you a few things that really turn them on. Whichever approach you choose, adopt a confident, sincere tone that conveys the impression that thereâs no cause for shame or embarrassment and itâs not a big deal to discuss. In most cases your partner will open up and share what they can.
Some People Donât Actually Know What They Like (Until They Feel It)
Do not be surprised if some partners have difficulty describing what turns them on. People who feel shame or embarrassment about sex may not have allowed themselves to reflect on (or perhaps admit to themselves) what feels good. Others may not have had memorably good sexual experiences with previous partners to discover what they like the best. This represents an opportunity to explore together by explicitly inviting your partner to give real time feedback about how they feel under your touch. By varying how and where you touch them, use your voice, and generally interact with them you can work together to identify the most pleasurable types of play. If you want more guidance for this type of practice, look into âorgasmic meditationâ and âyoni mappingâ. These practices specifically focus on exploring different types of intimate touch and the pleasure responses they elicit.
Get Adventurous
Once you uncover the basics of erogenous zones and physical touch, consider exploring the unlimited erogenous zone of the mind. Hereâs an entire article on how to approach and explore erotic fantasy with your partner:
You might also want to explore the erotic use of language:
Put Your New Knowledge To Good Use
After uncovering your partnerâs preferences, tuck them into your memory to call upon next time you get intimate. Try to weave them into your bedroom repertoire in a way that feels natural. In other words, take this knowledge as inspiration, but avoid focusing too much mental attention to it in the moment. No amount of physical prowess can compensate for a lack of mindful presence during moments of intimacy.
Also keep in mind that tastes change over time, and novelty can bring new excitement when routine becomes boring. Be prepared to revisit this conversation from time to time, and to suggest experimenting with new things. The conversation strategies from the âHow To Explore Erotic Fantasyâ article can work wonders for raising new ideas for exploration and experimentation.