How to Help a Male Friend Get Over a Breakup (Without Giving Him The Wrong Idea... )
Advice For Women Consoling Men After a Breakup
Have you ever wanted to help a broken-hearted friend, but worried that they might misinterpret your kindness for romantic interest?
When a man becomes overly invested in a relationship he loses his emotional balance. Instead of fulfilling his primary emotional needs through healthy social interactions and pursuing meaningful activities that honour his sense of purpose, he allows his lover to become the entire focus of his attention. This creates a dependency, much like an addiction.
From his partner’s perspective, this rush of attention may at first feel exciting. Who doesn’t want to be adored by someone they find attractive? Over time, her initial excitement is likely to give way to feelings of being crowded, concern that he is more in love with the idea of her (or the idea of being in love) than the real person, and a growing sense of apathy towards the relationship. By the time she starts recognising his craving for her attention as neediness the attraction she once felt towards his masculinity fades, ultimately to be replaced by contempt. She begins to withhold her attention, causing him to become increasingly desperate to satisfy his cravings, leading to a spiral of escalating neediness and misery.
To help this man, you might be tempted to offer sympathy, a shoulder to cry on, and reassurance about what a great guy he is and that another woman will come along soon who deserves him and will recognise all his positive qualities. There are a couple of problems with this approach:
Whatever other wonderful qualities he may have, he needs to recognise and address the shortcomings of his emotional maturity before he can sustain a healthy, lasting relationship.
In his current state of despair, he is like an addict suffering withdrawal. This leaves him highly susceptible to misinterpreting kindness from a woman, especially when accompanied by comforting touch, as signs of sexual or romantic interest. In other words, he may view you as a replacement source of emotional fulfilment to fill the void of his loss.
Encouraging him to overlook his part in the failure of his relationship leads to an ongoing cycle of relationship failure, further eroding his confidence and self-esteem with each successive breakdown.
Although your sympathy may provide him some momentary comfort, he needs empathy and guidance to move on and improve. To avoid the problems above, try the following approach instead:
If there’s any chance he may misconstrue your interest in him as anything but platonic, ensure another mutual friend is present when you speak with him.
Empathise with him - his feelings of loss are entirely valid, no matter what role he had in the breakdown of the relationship. Acknowledge that you recognise how awful this feels, and let him know it’s OK to take a moment to be sad and to accept and process the loss.
Encourage him - help him recognise the admirable and attractive qualities that he possesses.
Challenge him - offer him some gentle insights into how by losing himself in the relationship he probably undermined his partner’s attraction. Whilst it’s almost certainly too late to salvage this relationship, encourage him to work on improving himself in readiness for the next one.
Refer him - insist that he invest his attention in developing supportive relationships with other men. So many lonely men seek a romantic partner with the flawed expectation that she will be the cure for his loneliness. Men with a small cadre of likeminded men with whom they can discuss their concerns, emotions, and challenges in life without fear of judgement are much less likely to fall into he trap of social and emotional codependence in their romantic relationships, and more likely to enjoy better ongoing mental health.
If your friend’s relationship deteriorated because he lost his emotional balance, the articles here at Bed Bars & Beyond will help him find his feet and improve his approach to the next relationship. Share this site with him, and prompt him to read about Nice Guy Syndrome (see below).
Great advice and perspective!