How Long Should You Wait to Reply???

Texting protocol for the discerning dater

"Timing is a concept we create to ease our minds and reassure our hearts. But in matters of the heart, there is no clock, no stopwatch, no calendar." – Beau Taplin

I’m pretty sure there was a time when even Adam started to overthink whether it was too soon to check in on Eve again after they first met. To be fair, the question of timing contact in the early stages of dating is universal. Men and women, boys and girls all grapple with it! Will she think I’m being too eager if I text right now??? How long should I wait? An hour? A day? No - I need to play it cool, I don’t want to seem to eager!

Photo by Jeferson Santu on Unsplash

If (when?) you find yourself pondering this question, remind yourself that the question itself reflects your fear of loss - of losing a relationship that has not yet begun. If the question raises any feelings of anxiety or stress, it’s likely that you have a bigger problem on your hands. You might be dealing with either:

1. Scarcity Mindset - the presumption that this might be your only opportunity for a relationship, and you must pursue it at all cost, or

2. Limerence - an involuntary state of attachment to someone resulting in intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings, and behaviour

I’ve written an entire article about limerence, so you can read more about it here:

Brief Diversion: Scarcity Mindset & Neediness

Men who have yet to learn how to attract and develop relationships with women operate from a Scarcity Mindset simply because it reflects their experience of the world. If you believe that meeting a compatible partner comes down to fate or chance and you have gone years without any meaningful success meeting potentially compatible partners, it is only natural to start to believe that you’re looking for the “one” person on Earth who is right for you. When a romantic opportunity arises, these men will tend to obsess over it, overthink and overanalyse every move, and in extreme cases neglect or disrupt every other aspect of their life in an attempt to secure the relationship. What they think of as generosity and thoughtfulness screams neediness to any well-adjusted observer - especially woman he pursues.

Overcoming Scarcity Mindset

If you recognise scarcity mindset within yourself, there are some simple (though perhaps not easy) steps you can take to overcome it:

1. Learn the skills to take control of your dating destiny.

   1. Maximise your opportunities to meet the type of women you find attractive

   2. Develop social habits that make engaging with attractive women cease to be a “big deal”

   3. Develop the character traits and behaviours that women find sexually attractive.

   4. The Authentic Attraction Series can help you achieve thsee outcomes:

      Authentic Attraction Series

2. Structure your lifestyle to bring you fulfilment

   1. Ensure your routine satisfies your social needs

   2. Pursue sports, hobbies, volunteering, arts, or whatever it is that brings you joy

   3. Avoid the trap of sacrificing yourself to your career on the belief that you’ll make time for yourself in the future

   4. Add new activities or challenges to support and accelerate your growth in step 1.

After implementing these changes, you will likely become aware of the availability of romantic potential increasing around you. This is the key to pivoting towards the Abundance Mindset. The final step is to ensure that you maintain line of sight to new romantic opportunities, even as you explore individual opportunities in more detail. In other words, do not consider a relationship exclusive until you mutually to exclusivity. Until that time you are just dating - i.e. getting to know each other to gauge whether you both want to pursue a relationship, and during that time there is no harm in continuing to approach, flirt with, or date others. Nothing reinforces an abundance mindset as much as having to decide if you want to pursue an exclusive relationship with just one person.

But What About the Timing?

Just do it! Timing is irrelevant. If a woman is interested in pursuing a relationship with you, she will be as eager to hear from you as you are to reach out to her. The important part is to avoid neediness.

How to Avoid Seeming Needy?

Detach yourself from outcome. If you want to contact her, do it without expectation of an immediate reply, or even of any reply at all. Why do you want to contact her? If it’s to bask in her attention and affection, you’re being needy. If it’s because you want her to know that you’re thinking of her (or what you’re thinking about her!), that’s hot (assuming she is interested!).

Everything in moderation. Do not let your infatuation with her disrupt your routine. You are a busy guy (it’s part of what attracted her in the first place), and honouring your priorities and routine is important to preserving that attraction. Time with her might replace some of the time you previously set aside for dating or socialising, but must not replace anything else that is important to you.

What if She Takes Too Long to Reply?

Are you waiting on an answer to an important question, or just acknowledgement? If you have an outstanding question - e.g. agreeing to timing for a date - and you’ve waited a reasonable time for a reply, call her! What’s a reasonable time? The same amount of time you would allow for a friend to reply. If she still doesn’t answer your call reply to your message it means either:

• something is preventing her, like work crisis, family emergency, etc,

• you’re placing a higher value on this relationship than she does

In either case, the disappointment should be fleeting. Go ahead and make other plans. If something is preventing her from responding, she will no doubt reach out to you to explain and reschedule as soon as she can. If she’s “just not that into you”, it’s better to discover this before you waste too much time dating in the hope of establishing an exclusive relationship that never eventuates.

If you’re just impatient for acknowledgement, are you perhaps being a bit needy? Did your previous message really warrant a reply? Are you pressing her “attraction” buttons or simply begging for attention? Think about how you can reframe this situation to make her want to contact you.

The Last Word

Texting can be a fun way to flirt and get to know each other, but it’s no substitute for face-to-face dating. Remember that it’s very hard, even with emojis, to convey the exact tone you intend with text. Also remember that the sound of a man’s voice, and the cadence of his speech play a role in attraction. Neither of these qualities carries over text, meaning a man with the suavest baritone voice will “sound” the same as a Gilbert Gottfried in her inbox.

Whether you text or call, the most important considerations are mindset and motive. Eagerness is fine, neediness kills attraction. Act with authenticity and confidence.