Communication is key in any relationship, however sometimes we overlook the importance of simply listening without speaking. A crucial skill for healthy relationships is the ability to hold space for your partner. Holding space is the act of being fully present and attentive to another person without judgment or distraction. It allows your partner to express themselves fully and feel heard and supported.
One way to approach holding space is to think of yourself as a rock in a stream. As the water cascades over and around you, you remain steady and unwavering, allowing the emotions and thoughts of your partner to flow freely without disturbing your own emotional state.
By learning how to hold space for their partners, men can create a safe and supportive environment for their loved ones to release pent up emotion without feeling like they are getting dragged into their partner’s emotional turmoil. This can strengthen the emotional bond between partners, deepen understanding and empathy, and ultimately lead to a healthier and happier relationship.
So, how exactly can men learn to be a rock for their partners? Here are some tips:
Practice active listening
Active listening is a critical component of being a rock. It involves fully engaging with your partner when they speak, paying attention to their words, tone, and body language, and responding in a way that shows you understand and empathize with their perspective.
To practice active listening, put aside any distractions (like your phone or computer) and give your partner your full attention. Make eye contact, nod and provide non-verbal cues to let them know you are actively listening. Resist the urge to interrupt or offer advice, and instead focus on simply being present and receptive to what they have to say.
Acknowledge their feelings
When your partner shares their feelings, acknowledge that you understand how they feel. You need not agree with everything they say, simply let them know that you hear them.
Avoid judgement and criticism
Criticising or judging your partner, even unintentionally, while you’re trying to hold space can make them feel defensive and shut down. Instead, aim to approach conversations with curiosity and empathy, even if you don't agree with everything they're saying.
If you find yourself getting defensive or critical, take a step back and reflect on what's causing those feelings. Are you feeling attacked or judged yourself? Are you struggling to understand your partner's perspective? By acknowledging and addressing your own emotions, you can create a more productive and compassionate conversation.
Don't try to fix anything
As men, we often feel the need to "fix" things when our partners share their problems or concerns. However, this can be counterproductive when it comes to being a rock. Sometimes, our partners just need someone to listen and empathize with them, without offering solutions or advice.
If you're unsure whether your partner wants your help or just your support, ask them directly. Say something like "Do you want me to offer suggestions, or do you just need me to listen?" This shows your partner that you respect their autonomy and are willing to meet their needs in the moment.
Manage your own boundaries
Finally, being a rock can be emotionally taxing, so it's important to maintain your own emotional well-being. There will be times when you face your own pressures, and simply don’t have the patience or headspace to serve as someone else’s rock. If you find yourself in this situation, let your partner know why you’re struggling to hold space for the moment. Make it a priority to do what it takes to recharge your own emotional batteries and re-ground yourself, whether that be through spending some time alone, connecting with close friends, pursuing your hobbies, or speaking with a therapist.
Remember, holding space for someone is a skill that takes practice and patience. It's not always easy to remain present and non-judgmental when our partners are sharing difficult emotions, but the benefits to our relationships are immense. By being a rock and allowing our partners to express themselves fully, we can deepen our emotional intimacy, build stronger connections, and ultimately create happier and healthier relationships.
Holding space is not only for romantic relationships! By applying the same skills to your other relationships, even with other men, you will strengthen the trust and deepen the bonds of friendship.
Further Reading
"The Art of Holding Space" by Heather Plett: https://heatherplett.com/2015/03/the-art-of-holding-space-an-invitation/
"Holding Space: The Practice of Love and Liberation" by Rev. angel Kyodo williams: https://www.amazon.com/Holding-Space-Practice-Love-Liberation/dp/1622039238
"What It Really Means to Hold Space for Someone" by Elizabeth Gilbert: https://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_it_s_ok_to_feel_overwhelmed_here_s_what_to_do_next?language=en
"The Difference Between Holding Space and Codependency" by Brianna Wiest: https://www.forbes.com/sites/briannawiest/2019/07/15/the-difference-between-holding-space-and-codependency-and-why-its-important-to-understand/?sh=2b2bf7bf3bc3
"The Power of Holding Space: An Essential Skill for Health Professionals" by Heather Plett: https://cjmrp.com/article/view/278/395