From Fantasy to Reality: Finding Your Tribe and Embracing Sex Positivity
A brief guide to exploring and making new friends in the kink scene
I frequently receive questions on this topic from people seeking to build their confidence and expand their sexual horizons. Whether your single or approaching this adventure as a couple, here are some of the considerations to help you enter the scene.
Precautions
Before engaging with any of the communities suggested in this article, take note of the following recommendations.
Keep in mind that sexually permissive communities can tend to attract the poorly socially calibrated, not to mention predators and psychopaths. It pays to maintain your situational awareness and be selective in terms of who you trust and to what extent.
The risk is not necessarily of physical harm. Despite society’s progress in terms of raising acceptance of alternative sexualities, kink still carries a heavy stigma in many circles. If public association with kink communities or practices could have a detrimental impact on your professional or social standing, you will need to take some additional precautions.
Most official events, especially those held on commercial premises, will likely be among the safest events you’ve ever attended. Participants in the kink scene tend to hold consent sacrosanct, and people who breach consent are quickly ostracised by the community.
On the other hand, the online world of kinksters has more than its fair share of predators and weirdos who have much less concern for the nuances of consent. These same people are likely to shun community events, either because they’ve previously been kicked out, or because they sense that they would not be welcome due to their reluctance to comply to the required codes of conduct. These types are best avoided.
Before playing with someone in private, take time to get to know them and establish mutual trust. Playing in public can provide some protection in terms of witnesses who can vouch for the consensual nature of the play. Playing in private without witnesses can open you up to risk of false allegations of assault. This can happen more easily than you might think. Kink play can elicit powerful emotion responses, and if expectations are not correctly managed, can lead to misunderstandings about the ongoing nature of relationships. One of the easiest ways for a woman to retaliate against a play partner’s perceived sleight or emotional manipulation is to suggest he breached her consent and assaulted her. The social and legal consequences of such an allegation can be devastating, and it can be extremely difficult to defend against such claims.
Create an Online Alias
Since many communities and events rely on email and social media for publicity and registration, a dedicated alias will protect you against potential blackmail or doxxing if the organisers’ systems get hacked.
Come up with a pseudonym or nickname that has no connection to your public identity.
Create an email account (e.g. a free gmail account) for this identity
Use a unique password for this account
Use this alias for any event registrations, online communities, etc. relating to kink.
Real World Communities
Focus your attention on communities that operate in the real world rather than those that exist solely in the virtual world. These range from “sex positive” learning centres that host courses and workshops on topics like Tantra, breath work, orgasmic meditation and the like, to swingers’ and BDSM clubs.
Sign Up For A Workshop or a Festival
Joining a workshop or festival that caters to “newbies” can open doors to a wide range of further opportunities without pushing you too far out of your comfort zone. These events are geared to make newcomers feel welcome and to understand the etiquette expected of all participants.
Festivals are typically all-day or even multi-day events that include a range of workshops covering a variety of topics, and often culminate in a party. These provide even more opportunity to get to know other people with similar interests.
To find workshops near you, try searching for a selection of the following keywords:
introduction | workshop | course | festival | retreat
kink | tantra | shibari | bdsm
sex-positive
Attend a Munch
A munch is simply a social gathering, usually in a completely vanilla venue like a pub or bar, intended to bring community members together in person to connect with each other. Many geography-based kink communities host regular munches throughout the year, and these will usually have a process for welcoming potential new members. Getting to know people at a munch is the fast track to gaining access to private parties and other events organised by the community. It’s also a way to meet people who share your interests who may become friends, mentors, plus ones, or even play partners.
The advertisement of the munch will usually explain the procedure for finding the group (e.g. by finding the table with a specific mascot: I’ve seen plus rabbits, top hats, and various other random items used to identify these otherwise nondescript groups of people). It will also explain the procedure for newbies, which may be to arrive early to meet the community organisers, or to ask for a specific greeter who will then welcome you and introduce you to other community members. Munches are usually free to attend - the only cost is snacks and drinks from the bar at your own discretion.
To find munches in your area, you’ll probably need to dive into the murky online world of FetLife, which you may think of as Facebook for kinksters.
How to Use FetLife
Most users tend to agree that FetLife is a toxic cesspool of freaks and weirdos, but nevertheless remains the number one way for kinksters to keep in contact and discover events that interest them. Use your new kink alias to create a free account at https://fetlife.com (paid accounts are really only useful if you want access to the homemade porn published on the platform).
Create a Profile
The main problem with FetLife is the unwanted attention you may receive in terms of unsolicited friend requests and messages from undesirable people, despite the fact it is not a matchmaking site.Keep this in mind when you craft your profile. Share enough information that someone checking you out (e.g. after meeting at a workshop or party) can recognise you and get the sense that you are a real person. “Friending” people you’ve met at real world events like munches and parties is also a good way of establishing some social credit, and makes it easier for a prospective play partner to “check your references” by asking mutual acquaintances if they’d vouch for you.
Find Communities and Events
Use the search function within FetLife to find groups and events near you by searching for your city. When you find one that interests you, make contact with the organiser to introduce yourself and ask about attending as a “newbie”.
Many communities only allow men to attend their events if they are either accompanied by a woman or are well-known to the organisers. Introducing yourself in this way and getting to know the organisers e.g. at a munch will go a long way to overcoming these challenges, as will socialising with other community members who might be willing to be your plus one for the event.
Show Up and Connect
Whether it’s a workshop, a munch, or even a play party, you need to show up and meet people in the flesh to start to become part of the community. Courses, festivals, workshops, and munches are generally extremely welcoming of newcomers, which means you’ll have the chance to get to know other people who share both your curiosity and your trepidation. These folks make ideal buddies to accompany you to other events. Arriving with an entourage can be an excellent way of breaking the ice and getting to know even more people at an event, as your new friends introduce you to others and vice versa. As a general rule, the people of the kink scene are welcoming and respectful of newcomers, provided that the newcomers act respectfully in return. No matter how a person may be dressed (or undressed), or whatever role you may have watched them play, speak to them the same way you would speak to a person you just met at a friend’s elegant dinner party. There’s a time and place for dirty talk, giving and receiving orders, and even humiliation, but it all begins with polite conversation and later, if you’re lucky, mutual negotiation and play.
What to Expect At Your First Party
Attending your first play party can be a little daunting, but trust me, you’ll be fine! If it’s a kink party (e.g. BDSM, fetish, etc), you’ll need to dress the part. Women can always get away with wearing sexy lingerie, and maybe a collar or rope harness for added effect. Kink fashion is a little more difficult for men, as there is a blurry line between looking the part for kink and looking like an extra from the Village People. If in doubt, stick with all black. Military-inspired accessories (belts, boots, coats, etc) can add a touch of masculine flare, as can leather clothing (e.g. biker gear). No such dress codes apply to swingers’ parties, you can simply wear what you like.
The level of undress expected at the party will vary according to venue and group. Parties held on commercial premises such as nightclubs may be restricted by local regulations that prohibit full nudity and sex on premises, not to mention illicit substances etc. On the other hand, parties at private residences may have their own rules entirely. Sticking to parties held at commercial venues can provide some assurance that things won’t get too crazy, as the venue hosts will have precautions in place to ensure the safety of all attendees and compliance with their licensing regulations. This doesn't eliminate the wildcard of drugs and intoxication, but responsible hosts will generally eject attendees who act erratically or appear excessively intoxicated. Consent is at best questionable under the influence, so it’s best to practise moderation at events like this.
There will usually be a change room to allow attendees to change from streetwear into their kinky outfits. One of the first things you’ll probably notice is the level of acceptance shown to everyone regardless of their body type or fitness. These are usually venues where everyone respects each other’s right to be themselves, and indulge in their kinks without judgement.
Most parties span both social and play areas, and may also feature a stage for performances. Play areas may include private rooms or simply various sections of the venue, often equipped with props, furniture, and sometimes equipment for specific types of play like UV lighting and drop sheets for wax play (candles), hard points for rope suspension, gurneys and instruments for medical play, etc. Start by mingling with folks in the social area - usually equipped with a bar, and introduce yourself as a newbie. Regulars will usually be quite happy to welcome you and show you around. Now is also a good time to explore the venue, learn about the different play areas, and learn any house rules you need to know. There will usually be hosts or “dungeon monitors” milling around the venue who will give you the tour and fill you in.
Common Etiquette for the Kink Scene
As the party warms up, regulars will gravitate to the play areas. As a general rule, unless the door is closed, spectators are welcome to observe from a respectful distance as long as they don’t disturb the players. Don’t interact with them in any way, keep out of their way, and avoid talking near them or doing anything that would otherwise distract them from their scene. If you want to speak to them, wait until you find them again later in the social area.
If you meet someone you want to play with, take the time to talk through each other’s expectations, safewords, etc. before heading to the play area. If the play area is already occupied, wait nearby without drawing attention to yourself until the current players vacate the space. Treat the space as you would a gym workout station. Don't hog it longer than is reasonable if others are waiting, and remember to wipe everything down and put things back in their rightful place before leaving. (Good venues provide disinfectant spray, wipes, and even condoms, gloves etc in each play space).
On the other hand, you should never feel pressured to take part in a scene. Plenty of people attend events just to catch up with friends and enjoy a bit of voyeurism.
Most venues will have a blanket ban on the use of mobile phones and cameras in the play areas. If you attend a party that permits cameras, take care to avoid capturing other people’s faces or other identifying features (e.g. tattoos, distinctive jewellery, etc) in the background of your shots.
Be Discrete
The kink scene is full of people whose professions or family beliefs make it necessary to keep their interest in kink secret. I’ve met (many!) schoolteachers, doctors, lawyers and bankers who could face serious issues with their employers if their attendance at a kink party became public knowledge. From time to time you’ll bump into fellow kinksters outside the scene - at the supermarket, or passing by in the city. If there are other people present, avoid drawing attention to the specific circumstances under which you met! Suffice to say you once met at party and leave it at that rather than accidentally outing them in front of colleagues or family!
Meeting Fellow Kinksters via Online Dating
Whilst there are dedicated apps for kinky dating, once you start gaining familiarity with the jargon of the kink scene you’ll discover that plenty of people use regular online dating apps like Tinder to find kinky play partners. Again, it might be best to create a new profile for this, because you will essentially be declaring your interests in your profile on the app. Unlike the usual approach to online dating where you want to maximise your appeal to wide range of prospective dates, kinky dating is about narrowing the field to the ones who specifically share an interest in kinks and/or fetishes.
Describe what you’re looking for - maybe it’s a play partner to explore the intersection of Tantra and BDSM, maybe it’s someone who enjoys rope play and is willing to let you practise Shibari, maybe you want someone to dominate you? It really doesn’t matter, just describe what you’re looking for in a matter-of-fact tone and see how your matches differ from what you’re used to! It might help to mention your commitment to keeping things Safe, Sane and Consensual - a common phrase for describing an approach to play that means exactly what it says.
Have Fun!
Remember, no matter how nervous you might feel attending your first workshop or party, everyone else has experienced something similar on their first time. Approach it with the mindset of embarking on a fun adventure and getting to know new people. Most folks will be happy to tell you how they discovered the scene, and even the types of things they are into. Just be polite and respectful and you’ll quickly make new friends who will gladly show you just how deep this particular rabbit hole runs!